Old Jewish Catskill Comedy Jokes

from My buddy Ed Baynard (an amazing artist who used to live with the Beatles) :


I just got back from a
pleasure trip. I took my
mother-in-law to the
airport.

* I've been in love with
the same woman for
49 years! If my wife
ever finds out, she'll
kill me!

* What are three
words a woman never
wants to hear when
she's making love?
"Honey, I'm home!"

* Someone stole all
my credit cards but I
won't be reporting it.
The thief spends less
than my wife did.

* We always hold
hands. If I let go, she
shops.

* My wife and I went
back to the hotel
where we spent our
wedding night;
only this time I stayed
in the bathroom and
cried.

* My wife and I went to
a hotel where we got a
waterbed.
My wife called it the
Dead Sea ..

* She was at the
beauty shop for two
hours. That was only
for the estimate.
She got a mudpack
and looked great for
two days. Then the
mud fell off.

* The Doctor gave a
man six months to live.
The man couldn't pay
his bill so the doctor
gave him another six
months.

* The Doctor called
Mrs. Cohen saying,
"Mrs. Cohen, your
check came back."
Mrs. Cohen answered,
"So did my arthritis!"

* Doctor: "You'll live to
be 60!"
Patient: "I am 60!"
Doctor: "See! What did
I tell you?"

* Patient: "I have a
ringing in my ears."
Doctor: "Don't answer!"

* A drunk was in front
of a judge.
The judge says,
"You've been brought
here for drinking."
The drunk says "Okay,
let's get started."

* Why do Jewish
divorces cost so
much?
They're worth it.

The Harvard School of
Medicine did a study
of why Jewish women
like Chinese food so
much.
The study revealed
that this is due to the
fact that Won Ton
spelled backward is
Not Now.

There is a big
controversy on the
Jewish view of when
life begins.
In Jewish tradition, the
fetus is not considered
viable until it
graduates from
medical school.

Q: Why don't Jewish
mothers drink?
A: Alcohol interferes
with their suffering.
.
Q: Why do Jewish
mothers make great
parole officers?
A: They never let
anyone finish a
sentence!

A man called his
mother in Florida ,
"Mom, how are you?"
"Not too good," said
the mother.. "I've been
very weak."
The son said, "Why
are you so weak?"
She said, "Because I
haven't eaten in 38
days."
The son says, "That's
terrible. Why haven't
you eaten in 38 days?"
The mother answers,
"Because I didn't want
my mouth to be full of
food if you called."

A Jewish boy comes
home from school and
tells his mother he has
a part in the play.
She asks, "What part
is it?"
The boy says, "I play
the part of the Jewish
husband."
"The mother scowls
and says, "Go back
and tell the teacher
you want a speaking
part."

Q: How many Jewish
mothers does it take to
change a light bulb?
A: (Sigh) "Don't
bother. I'll sit in the
dark. I don't want to be
a nuisance to
anybody."

Short summary of
every Jewish
holiday:
They tried to kill us.
We won.
Let's eat.

Did you hear about the
bum who walked up to
a Jewish mother on
the street and said,
"Lady, I haven't eaten
in three days."
"Force yourself," she
replied.

Q: What's the
difference between a
Rottweiler and a
Jewish mother?
A: Eventually, the
Rottweiler lets go.

Q: Why are Jewish
men circumcised?
A: Because Jewish
women don't like
anything that Isn't 20%
off.