New Joke from John Milberg

Paraprosdokian

A paraprosdokian (from the Greek meaning 'beyond expectation')
is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or
phrase is unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener
to reframe or reinterpret the first part.


A few good ones.....

* I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that
way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.


* Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his
level and beat you with experience.



* The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on
my list.


* Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people
appear bright until you hear them speak.


* If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.


* We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.


* War does not determine who is right - only who is left.


* Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not
putting it in a fruit salad.


* Evening news is where they begin with 'Good Evening,' and
then proceed to tell you why it isn't.


* To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from
many is research.


* A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where
a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.


* I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted
paychecks.


* Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says,
'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'


* I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.


* Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down
the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think
they are sexy.


* Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of
a successful man is usually another woman.


* A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.


* You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a
parachute to skydive twice.


* Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier
to live with.


* There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone
down so they can't get away.


* I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.


* You're never too old to learn something stupid.


* To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call
whatever you hit the target.


* Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.


* Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

* Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than
standing in a garage makes you a car.


* A diplomat is someone who tells you to go to hell in such a
way that you look forward to the trip.


* Hospitality is making your guests feel at home even when you
wish they were.


* When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire
Department usually uses water.