Inaya Day - Nasty Girl

More jokes

As a general principle, Jewish holidays are divided between days on which you must starve and days on which you must overeat.


Many Jews observe no fewer than 16 fasts throughout the Jewish year, based on the time-honored principle that even if you are sure that you are ritually purified, you definitely aren't.

Though there are many feasts and fasts, there are no holidays requiring light snacking.

Note: Unlike Christians, who simply attend church on special days (e.g. Ash Wednesday), on Jewish holidays most Jews take the whole day off. This is because Jews, for historical and personal reasons, are more stressed out.

The Diet Guide to the Jewish Holidays:

Rosh Hashanah ----- Feast
Tzom Gedalia --------- Fast
Yom Kippur ------------ More fasting
Sukkot ------------------ Feast for a week +
Hashanah Rabbah -- More feasting
Simchat Torah ------- Keep right on feasting
Month of Heshvan --- No feasts or fasts for a whole month. Get a grip on yourself.
Hanukkah -------------- Eat potato pancakes
Tenth of Tevet ------- Do not eat potato pancakes
Tu B'Shevat ---------- Feast
Fast of Esther --------Fast
Purim -------------------- Eat pastry
Passover -------------- Do not eat pastry for a week
Shavuot ---------------- Dairy feast (cheesecake, blintzes, etc.)

17th of Tammuz ------ Fast (definitely no cheesecake or blintzes)
Tish B'Av --------------- Serious fast (don't even think about cheesecake or blintzes)
Month of Elul ---------- End of cycle. Enroll in Center for Eating Disorders before High Holidays arrive again.


There are many forms of Judaism:

Cardiac Judaism -------- in my heart I am a Jew.
Gastronomic Judaism - we eat Jewish foods.
Pocketbook Judaism --- I give to Jewish causes.
Drop-off Judaism ------- drop the kids off at Sunday School; go out to breakfast.
Twice a Year Judaism -- attend service Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur.

You know you grew up Jewish when:

You did not respond to the teacher calling roll on the first day of school because you thought your name was "Princess".

You've had at least one female relative who drew eyebrows on her face that were always asymmetrical.

You spent your entire childhood thinking that everyone calls roast beef "brisket."

Your family dog responds to complaints uttered in Yiddish.

Every Sunday afternoon of your childhood was spent visiting your grandparents.

You've experienced the phenomena of 50 people fitting into a 10-foot-wide dining room hitting each other with plastic plates & forks trying to get to a deli tray.

You thought pasta was the stuff used exclusively for kugel and kasha with bowties.

You watched Lawrence Welk and Ed Sullivan every Sunday night.

You were as tall as your grandmother by age seven.

You never knew anyone whose last name didn't end in one of 6 standard suffixes (-man,-witz, -berg, -stein, -blatt or -baum).

You grew up and were surprised to find out that wine doesn't always taste like year-old cranberry sauce.

You can look at gefilte fish without turning green.

You grew up thinking there was a fish called lox.

You can understand some Yiddish but you can't speak it.

You know how to pronounce numerous Yiddish words and use them correctly in context, yet you don't exactly know what they mean.

Is that Kenahurra or is that kaninehurra? (I say it's kenahurra)

You have at least one ancestor who is related to your spouse's ancestor

You grew up thinking it was normal for someone to shout "Are you okay? Are you okay?" through the bathroom door if you were in there for longer than 3 minutes.

You have at least six male relatives named Michael or David.

Your grandparent's furniture smelled like mothballs, was covered in plastic and was as comfortable as sitting on sandpaper.

onion rolls

This recipe for Jewish onion rolls produces a moist crumb and a great dinner roll. It's from Charlotte Schneider, who made 800 with a friend for her grandson's bar mitzvah. You might be interested in How I Learned to Cook Jewish Food.

Makes about 4 dozen Jewish Onion Rolls
Prep Time: 30 minutes
Cook Time: 15 minutes
Total Time: 45 minutes
Ingredients:
2 packages active dry yeast
1 teaspoon sugar
1/2 cup 110-degree water
1/2 cup solid vegetable shortening
2 teaspoons salt
3/4 cup sugar
1/2 cup (1 stick) margarine
1 cup boiling water
3 large beaten eggs
7 1/2 cups all-purpose flour
1 cup cold water
1/2 medium union, diced finely
Kosher salt
Poppyseeds
Melted margarine
Preparation:
In a small bowl, combine yeast, sugar and 1/2 cup warm water. Let rest 5 minutes until foamy. 

In large mixing bowl or stand mixer, combine shortening, salt, 3/4 cup sugar and 1/2 cup margarine. Pour in boiling water and stir until blended and cooled slightly. 

In a separate bowl, mix eggs, yeast mixture and cold water. Add flour alternately with liquid ingredients to first bowl containing the shortening-sugar mixture. Mix well. Dough will be sticky. Cover with plastic wrap and refrigerate 5 hours or overnight. 

Zap onion in microwave for 1 to 1 1/2 minutes or until limp. Drain and cool. Punch down dough and divide into 6 equal parts. 

Keeping other pieces of dough, covered, on lightly floured surface, roll 1 piece of dough into a rectangle 18-by-7 inches. Brush with melted margarine and sprinkle on 1/6 of the onions. Sprinkle with 1/2 teaspoon salt and 1/4 teaspoon poppyseeds. Roll jellyroll fashion. Cut into slices 1 3/4-inch wide. Place rolls seam side down on parchment-lined baking pan, spacing 2 inches apart, or in greased muffin tins. Cover with greased plastic wrap and let rise until doubled. Repeat with remaining dough. 

Heat oven to 350 degrees. Brush rolls with 1 large egg yolk beaten with 1 tablespoon water. Sprinkle on a little salt and poppyseed. Bake 12-15 minutes or until golden. Cool completely. These rolls freeze well.

a joke from Sue Bilich

On the morning of Rosh Hashanah as the congregation was filing into the Synagogue, Rabbi Liebenberg noticed little Max standing in the foyer of the Synagogue staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names with small flags mounted on either side of it. The six-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the rabbi walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, 'Boker Tov, Max.' 'Boker Tov, Rabbi Liebenberg,' he replied, still focused on the plaque. 'Rabbi Liebenberg, what is this?' he said, pointing to the plaque.

The good Rabbi tenderly put his arm around Max's shoulder and said, 'Well son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the Service.' Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque. Finally, little Max, in a voice barely audible and trembling with fear asked,

'Which service, Rosh Hashanah or Yom Kippur?'

Mad Chill