My Courtship of Inda
By Uncle Nussie (aka Nathan Posner)
(from his book: NOT BY BREAD ALONE )
“No sooner had I acquired my driving license than Mac assigned me to a
route in Brooklyn. One of the customers along the route was the
Tumbarello Blouse factory in Canarsie. “Tumby” worked exclusively for
Vanity Blouse Co., which was owned by Morris Cedarbaum, my uncle.
The person in charge of the production department and dispensing
work to the factories was a young lady named Inda. Although she had
many additional functions for the firm, the aforementioned duty was the
only one that brought us in contact with each other. I soon made it my
business to personally make deliveries at Vanity every day, leaving my
helper to make other “less important” deliveries and pickups.
Before long, my visits to Vanity began to take up more and more of
my time. And my thoughts, too.
I fell for Inda immediately. Her knowledge of the business impressed
me, as well as her “strictly business” attitude. She was cute, shorter than
I, and slender.
One night, while driving home from the City (Manhattan) with Pop
alongside, I said, “You know that girl Inda at the Vanity?”
“Yes,” he answered.
“She’s the kind of girl I’d like to marry.”
“So what’s stopping you?”
“Where do I shine to a girl like her?” I asked.
Pop’s answer changed the direction of my thoughts and my life.
“If you like a girl,” he advised me, go after her.”
From that moment on, I became a different person. I had only one
aim—to woo this girl and make her my wife. I was obsessed with
thoughts of her and could barely survive out of her sight. I became a
fixture at her desk. She couldn’t get rid of me because my Uncle Morris
Cedarbaum owned the place. Hanging around there, I discovered she was
getting calls from another admirer. Brazenly, I sometimes picked up her
ringing phone, and if it was that other guy, announced that Inda was out
and gone for the day.
After a while, during one of Pop’s monthly visits to Inda to ascertain
the amounts of shipments for the prior billing period, she complained to
him of my actions. I think she was just probing for Pop’s attitude toward
the relationship. Pop’s reply to her was that Nat was a good catch and
that she should not discourage me.
I sometimes brought her chocolate, which I discovered she had an
affinity for. That spring, the flowers were in full bloom in Canarsie in
Tumbarello’s yard, and often I collected a bouquet that I brought to Inda
or left upon her desk. Her home was along my route, and as often as I
could, I persuaded her to allow me to drive her home. She often worked
until 7 or 8 p.m. I would wait for her and take her home to the East Side
(downtown), where she lived with her sick mother. On the way there, I
would make sharp right turns, and Inda would obligingly fall onto my
lap. Those moments close to the girl I was beginning to love dearly are
among my fondest memories.”
---------------
Sunday, January 25, 2009
Family Stories- Mama's Private Place, by Aunt Florence
MAMA’S PRIVATE PLACE
By Florence Stadlen
"Alright, little fish, open your eves."
A light kiss on closed eyelid, a love-sniff where neck meets ear, a nuzzle at the neck.
"Up, up, children. It's time for school and I daren't be late for the Sabbath. So much to do, so much to do: Will I ever be finished in time?"
I sneak a peek and quickly shut my eyes again. Stretching lazily I taunt Mama with my Friday morning languor, trusting her for yet another kiss, another loving sniff. I know it is Friday. Friday is the one morning Mama rushes us out of bed, voice tense, urgent. All other days her whole being expands while we dawdle and delay the moment we finally rise stretching from warm beds. "Soon, soon enough," she tells impatient Papa who always wants us up, up, now, this minute. "Soon there will be no dawdling
for them. Let them sleep another minute now, another five, another ten. Soon enough they will have their own little ones and that will be the end of sleep for them."
My nose, too, tells me it is Friday. Yeast acting on flour. Mama bustles from our bedroom into the kitchen. Now the wooden spoon scrapes the sides of the mixing bowl. Soon Mama's knife tap-taps down the noodleboard. Clickety-click-click-click, the racing knife cuts tracks of finely cut noodles to form lacy patterns down the length of the board.
"Children, children," she calls our names in loving diminutives. Now there is an edge to her voice. "Wash up, wash up, wash the sleepy-winders from your eves."
2.
My little sister and I make our leisurely way into the kitchen. Mama rushes us through breakfast and out the door, heaving a sigh as we reluctantly depart. Now she will get on with it; clean house, bake challah, prepare and cook the Sabbath food, for tomorrow truly will be a day of rest.
By the time we come back from school not only the kitchen but
the whole flat smells of Friday: heavy scent of furniture oil and brass polish combine with friendly odors of freshly baked goods. The house has a special Sabbath look. Windows twinkle in the late afternoon sun. Kitchen sink and kitchen floor are scrubbed, fresh newspaper lining the floor under the sink to catch damp footprints and splashes. The kitchen table is piled high with goods: the challah shining golden brown and seeded: in the breadbowl onion rolls and birdie shapes, braided breads and round coiled loaves. The coffee cake stands half-a-foot high, waiting for the first cut to expose the secrets of its "nests," browned treasure of nuts mixed with cinnamon sugar, raisins light and dark. As we make that first triangular cut and dig around for buried gold, Mama wrings her hands in mock despair at the ravages we commit, all the while rejoicing in our greed.
We smack our lips and, raising our eves, see into the dining room. The white damask tablecloth shimmers on the table. Six brass candlesticks rubbed golden, stand gleaming on the brass tray, six tall white candles waiting to be lit. The gefilte fish platter decorated with cooked carrot slices, is in place beside the candles, two challah loaves resting ceremonially beneath the white satin
3.
breadcloth embroidered in cobalt blue. Horseradish, fresh-rubbed, beet-red as Mama's hand, makes nostrils flare, brings water to the eyes.
Mama rushes through the final chores. She has had her bath. Now she clips her fingernails. I watch, filled with awe as Mama sweeps together and then wraps the shards in a piece of paper, to dispose of with care against the Day of Judgment when her shade must roam the earth to gather together these cuttings of a lifetime.
An hour passes and tension builds. Mama tastes the food for tonight's supper and tomorrow's lunch. She strains the soup, removing chicken from pot to ready it for its second round. Spreading over the half-cooked bird a garlicky tomato sauce, she places it in the oven to brown. Presto! It is Roast Chicken.
Now Mama draws out the tin tray from its weekday resting place between stove and wall. Circular cutouts expose the gas burners. Since the advent of piped-in gas, no longer does Mama need a Shabbos Goy to light the flame. The gas stays lit - one burner only - for the entire Sabbath. Mama turns down the gas to a tiny flame - not too low, not too high, only enough to keep the chill off the food. The Sabbath will be a day of rest but not great comfort. It will be rather, a day of spiritual exhilaration.
From the corner of her eve, Mama glances at the clock. Slowly now she looks around her. Everything done? Anything forgotten? Each and every Friday it is always the same. I feel the tension in her. The urgency - her excitement - transmit themselves to me. It is time to light the candles. Has she made it in time? In time! In time!
4.
In good time. Neither too early nor too late. God forbid too late - to desecrate the Sabbath. Nor too early - to make other Jewish wives late.
Mama's thin brown hair she has pulled back in a tightly wound roll. Her cheeks flush. Her eyes shine. Her crisp, clean apron covers a freshly laundered dress. The lace scarf sits folded on the back of a chair, waiting to cover her head when she prays over the candles. The Sabbath is all but here and Mama, like a bride, stands eager to meet it: purified, joyful, proud...ready.
I stand in the doorway, brown eyes watching. Mama slowly covers her head. She strikes a match and lights the first candle. The remaining candles she lights from the first. "Baruch attah Adonai, Blessed art Thou God," she whispers. The moment for which I wait each Friday is almost here. My throat begins to catch and close as, still whispering, Mama stretches out her hand to make circles round the fresh, sputtering flames. One circle - two - three - four. Slowly she carries her palms towards her face, covering eyes, nose, and mouth. Mama disappears; she is a whisper only. The whisper changes quality. Is it whisper-turned-to-sob? More whispering as Mama buries her head deeper into her hands. Fear clutches me - a terrible loneliness. Mama, where are you? What is it? Where are you? Come back, Mama, come back.
I choke the words - leave them fluttering inside me, unsaid, while Mama stays there in her own private place behind her hands.
She stays there a long, interminable minute. Then, slowly, Mama's
hands leave her face, descending to her sides . She returns.
Her eyes slightly reddened, her lips form a thin, tremulous
smile. "Gut Shabbos, Gut Shabbos." Relief rolls over me in warm
waves.
By Florence Stadlen
"Alright, little fish, open your eves."
A light kiss on closed eyelid, a love-sniff where neck meets ear, a nuzzle at the neck.
"Up, up, children. It's time for school and I daren't be late for the Sabbath. So much to do, so much to do: Will I ever be finished in time?"
I sneak a peek and quickly shut my eyes again. Stretching lazily I taunt Mama with my Friday morning languor, trusting her for yet another kiss, another loving sniff. I know it is Friday. Friday is the one morning Mama rushes us out of bed, voice tense, urgent. All other days her whole being expands while we dawdle and delay the moment we finally rise stretching from warm beds. "Soon, soon enough," she tells impatient Papa who always wants us up, up, now, this minute. "Soon there will be no dawdling
for them. Let them sleep another minute now, another five, another ten. Soon enough they will have their own little ones and that will be the end of sleep for them."
My nose, too, tells me it is Friday. Yeast acting on flour. Mama bustles from our bedroom into the kitchen. Now the wooden spoon scrapes the sides of the mixing bowl. Soon Mama's knife tap-taps down the noodleboard. Clickety-click-click-click, the racing knife cuts tracks of finely cut noodles to form lacy patterns down the length of the board.
"Children, children," she calls our names in loving diminutives. Now there is an edge to her voice. "Wash up, wash up, wash the sleepy-winders from your eves."
2.
My little sister and I make our leisurely way into the kitchen. Mama rushes us through breakfast and out the door, heaving a sigh as we reluctantly depart. Now she will get on with it; clean house, bake challah, prepare and cook the Sabbath food, for tomorrow truly will be a day of rest.
By the time we come back from school not only the kitchen but
the whole flat smells of Friday: heavy scent of furniture oil and brass polish combine with friendly odors of freshly baked goods. The house has a special Sabbath look. Windows twinkle in the late afternoon sun. Kitchen sink and kitchen floor are scrubbed, fresh newspaper lining the floor under the sink to catch damp footprints and splashes. The kitchen table is piled high with goods: the challah shining golden brown and seeded: in the breadbowl onion rolls and birdie shapes, braided breads and round coiled loaves. The coffee cake stands half-a-foot high, waiting for the first cut to expose the secrets of its "nests," browned treasure of nuts mixed with cinnamon sugar, raisins light and dark. As we make that first triangular cut and dig around for buried gold, Mama wrings her hands in mock despair at the ravages we commit, all the while rejoicing in our greed.
We smack our lips and, raising our eves, see into the dining room. The white damask tablecloth shimmers on the table. Six brass candlesticks rubbed golden, stand gleaming on the brass tray, six tall white candles waiting to be lit. The gefilte fish platter decorated with cooked carrot slices, is in place beside the candles, two challah loaves resting ceremonially beneath the white satin
3.
breadcloth embroidered in cobalt blue. Horseradish, fresh-rubbed, beet-red as Mama's hand, makes nostrils flare, brings water to the eyes.
Mama rushes through the final chores. She has had her bath. Now she clips her fingernails. I watch, filled with awe as Mama sweeps together and then wraps the shards in a piece of paper, to dispose of with care against the Day of Judgment when her shade must roam the earth to gather together these cuttings of a lifetime.
An hour passes and tension builds. Mama tastes the food for tonight's supper and tomorrow's lunch. She strains the soup, removing chicken from pot to ready it for its second round. Spreading over the half-cooked bird a garlicky tomato sauce, she places it in the oven to brown. Presto! It is Roast Chicken.
Now Mama draws out the tin tray from its weekday resting place between stove and wall. Circular cutouts expose the gas burners. Since the advent of piped-in gas, no longer does Mama need a Shabbos Goy to light the flame. The gas stays lit - one burner only - for the entire Sabbath. Mama turns down the gas to a tiny flame - not too low, not too high, only enough to keep the chill off the food. The Sabbath will be a day of rest but not great comfort. It will be rather, a day of spiritual exhilaration.
From the corner of her eve, Mama glances at the clock. Slowly now she looks around her. Everything done? Anything forgotten? Each and every Friday it is always the same. I feel the tension in her. The urgency - her excitement - transmit themselves to me. It is time to light the candles. Has she made it in time? In time! In time!
4.
In good time. Neither too early nor too late. God forbid too late - to desecrate the Sabbath. Nor too early - to make other Jewish wives late.
Mama's thin brown hair she has pulled back in a tightly wound roll. Her cheeks flush. Her eyes shine. Her crisp, clean apron covers a freshly laundered dress. The lace scarf sits folded on the back of a chair, waiting to cover her head when she prays over the candles. The Sabbath is all but here and Mama, like a bride, stands eager to meet it: purified, joyful, proud...ready.
I stand in the doorway, brown eyes watching. Mama slowly covers her head. She strikes a match and lights the first candle. The remaining candles she lights from the first. "Baruch attah Adonai, Blessed art Thou God," she whispers. The moment for which I wait each Friday is almost here. My throat begins to catch and close as, still whispering, Mama stretches out her hand to make circles round the fresh, sputtering flames. One circle - two - three - four. Slowly she carries her palms towards her face, covering eyes, nose, and mouth. Mama disappears; she is a whisper only. The whisper changes quality. Is it whisper-turned-to-sob? More whispering as Mama buries her head deeper into her hands. Fear clutches me - a terrible loneliness. Mama, where are you? What is it? Where are you? Come back, Mama, come back.
I choke the words - leave them fluttering inside me, unsaid, while Mama stays there in her own private place behind her hands.
She stays there a long, interminable minute. Then, slowly, Mama's
hands leave her face, descending to her sides . She returns.
Her eyes slightly reddened, her lips form a thin, tremulous
smile. "Gut Shabbos, Gut Shabbos." Relief rolls over me in warm
waves.
Family Stories 1.25.09/ Passionate Parents, by Aunt Florence
My Passionate Parents
By Florence Stadlen
He was crazy in love with her always. By time I came along, their ninth child, she was certainly not beautiful in any conventional way. She had smallish, deeply set brown eyes, thin lips, and rather scanty brown hair pulled back in a tight little knot; and she was somewhat dumpy after
many pregnancies, and more than a little pigeon
toed. But to Papa she was heart catchingly beautiful - beautiful. She knew he believed this and she revelled in it; and we knew how he felt and we basked in it.
She was enormously attracted to Papa but suspicious
of her sexuality, embarrassed by it, perhaps because she really believed she had married beneath her; and more often than not she looked down her nose at him and, after the children came, sometimes demeaned him in our presence. Still I knew she loved him, and their love warmed me.
Papa took slowly to life’s demands. He was a dreamer and immature when he married at twenty two, and it took him much suffering and much suffer the loss of three children before he finally grew up.
She was a pragmatist, orphaned at sixteen by the death of her
mother, weighted down with respon¬sibilities she took upon
herself, making her six younger siblings her wards.
For a
For a long time after they married, Mama struggled to keep Papa steadily at
work in the face of many distractions: the theatre, the opera, and pinochle.
Their marriage had been arranged, its roots in the old country. Bubba and Zaida were prosperous butchers on the Lower East Side, acutely aware of Papa's "immaturity," which
they perceived as simplemindedness. Eager to get him off their hands, Bessie Cederbaum seemed made-to-order; a good girl from a respected family - a learned father, a Tzaddik; but she was motherless, a penniless girl, at 23 well past her prime.
The courtship took place when the twentieth century was very young; and although the match was arranged by their parents, in some ways Mama and Papa were part of a newly liberated gen¬eration that had left behind them in the old country at least
2.
some of the old ways. Papa continued to practice
some of the rituals of his religion; but only as they suited his sense of the dramatic, always arranging the setting, and always with appropriate, high quality props. For example, in casting off our sins on Rosh Hashana (?) to our proxy, the
live squawking chicken he swung round and round over our heads while we children cringed and screeched, was a large, fat chicken
appeared to have a five-foot wing spread. And on Succoth, when we followed behind Papa and Mama in a parade through our Borough Park apartment , the exquisitely scented Esrog had been ever-so-carefully selected for quality and pungency, and the Lilluf he shook forcefully produced the whoosh of a half dozen palm trees.
Mama was proud of what she considered her rebellion; but
it paled besides those of Papa. To Papa life was - Enjoy: and he easily threw off religious practices, including food taboos. Mama’s big and sole rebellion was her refusal ever to don a sheitl -and she was proud of this, although no one ever protested, least of all Papa,who didn’t give a damn, so proud of her looks he wanted the whole world to see.
3.
They married in 1902, at a wedding celebration with 500 guests. That was the year the Queensborough Bridge was completed, still another span over the East River, following on the heels of three other recently opened gateways to
Brooklyn. What these bridges portended, Mama and Papa in their
small way pioneered in their lifetime, extending the frontiers of New York City by settling in the other boroughs.
In their time together they went from from Manhattan and Brooklyn to Queens, from coal stoves to central heating, from gas jets to electricity, and Papa went from the Second Avenue Theatre to radio and television. They lived to watch moon landings on T.V. Papa, more than Mama welcomed new technology. He looked forward to vacations, and was always ready for anything new.
When it came to progress he had guts.
He bought truck before he could drive, to supercede the horse and wagon he had used to deliver garments. The truck salesman showed him how to shift gears and off Papa went. When he stalled on making left turn, he left the truck in the middle of the street and ran back to the salesman for another lesson.
Papa never walked if he could drive, although his sense of direction was totally nil and he got us lost on every Sunday’s 'family expedition.
He never took the train if he could get to,where he was going by plane. Mama quaking at his side but right there beside him; and on their return she offered up prayers of thanks for their deliverance.
They were to come a long, way from their courting days when Papa used to go out walking with Mama, his
"affinity," on a Wednesday evening or Saturday night date,
They went to the foot of Delancey Street for a ferry ride to Brooklyn and
back at the cost of a penny,,round-trip. If by some piece of
good fortune Papa had an extra penny, he offered to buy Mama a drink of plain seltzer on the walk back to her tenement; he, himself, was never thirsty because although he might sometimes have one penny for a drink for her, he never had two to rub together.
Once married, they set up business in a small butcher shop of their own, only a few blocks from his parents' store, and down the street from where the young couple now lived.
Mama became pregnant almost at once. "He didn't have to do more than look at me, it seemed, and I was pregnant." They worked side by side, closely if not peaceablY, her charm and what she termed her "teck” (tact) augmenting Papa’s failings.
He had little patience with housewifely shenanigans (“that piece of flanken is too fat” or weighed 2 3/8 not 2 ¼ lbs) and easily lost his temper. Mama smiled at the customers as she poked and pushed Papa out of the way, and Papa realized that he needed Mama to be at his side if they were to make a living.
4
Still, after awhile one afternoon each week Papa began to in¬sist that Mama go to their flat to rest. "'You're tired, Bashale go rest." Mama, in advanced pregnancy, was pleased he was so thoughtful; but before long she began to smell a rat. Once a week rest? And always on Wednesday? What is going on!
So one Wednesday afternoon, when he again bade her go, she left the shop . but instead of going straight home, she stopped, waiting unseen, behind some grillwork up the street. She hadn't long to wait. Out the door comes Papa, butcher coat off, suit jacket on. Holding himself close to the door as he locked up shop, Papa looked furtively up and down the street and seeing noone he knew took off at a trot in the direction of the Second Avenue Theatre District. His last matinee.
Thenceforth the performances were of his own creation, and as the family grew, and grew up, the children were Papa's audience for Shakespearean monologues and soliloquies which he had not learned during his four years in elementary school
but in darkened theatres he had frequented in stolen hours over many years.
The synagogue, too, was Papa's theatre. Whenever his work life permitted, Papa accompanied Mama to shule. In their Sabbath best they walked proudly up the streets arm-in-arm, parting at the temple door, Mama climbing up the stairs to the women's balcony, Papa, head held high, marching to his reserved seat, almost always costing more than he could afford, as close as possible to the Beema and the eastern wall. Once there, he unfolded his huge, billowing body-length tallis (which as
5.
every Jew knew would in time be his shroud), wrapped it around his shoulders and torso, at proper intervals even covering his head with it. Rocking on his heels and bowing to and fro, now he muttered his prayers, or at proper intervals raised his voice for all to hear, and at appropriate times kissed the fringes of the tallis with a dry, resounding smack. Phil¬acteries wound around his head and right arm, he appeared and doubtless felt himself kin to ancient priests of the Great Temple, or perhaps the hero in a classic Yiddish play.
Mama, in contrast, was a simple, true believer who practiced the rituals by rote , out of deepest conviction, always in unquestioning faith and trust in God. She kept the faith every way she knew, secure in the knowledge that God was Just.
The differences between them were enormous, or so we children thought, and we couldn't fathom either why they had married or what kept them together. It seemed a miracle to me that they had so far not slaughtered each other, so graphic and terrifying were their battles; and although they had already been married twenty years or more by time
I was born, I would have given odds when I was twelve or so, that this marriage was doomed. What we children saw was not what held them fast in what was to be a fifty-odd year marriage; but only their differences and noisy conflicts. Besides, we girls in particular, accepted Papa on Mama's evaluation and the world's, and perhaps his own as well, only later, with the wisdom of years learning to give Papa his due.
6.
We took for granted, for example, that Mama was the infinitely superior of the two, more intelligent, more morally upright. Hence the causes were clear of the constant friction and what we perceived as bitter battles. Oddly, their battles were never over their moral or religious differ¬ences. How was it possible for Mama not to smell the smoke from Papa's cigarettes as it curled under the closed bathroom door? How come, after we children had married, that Mama never heard the radio on which Papa listened to Saturday’s baseball games locked in his bedroom, or later the T.V.or both at the same time? Mama turned a :deaf ear and went or praying. They seemed to have an unspoken accord - live and let live.
But let him buy a spotted or soft tomato on one of his shopping expeditions to the teeming markets of Hell's Kitchen not far from Papa's small trucking terminal, or buy her not one, not two, but three fancy dresses to wear to shule or on a vacation, and all hell broke loose, the scene repeating it-self over and over and over again, the scenario wholly predictable, its climax always the same.
7.
Papa staggers into the kitchen carrying two well-packed
While he carefully undoes the string, meticulously re-winding it, already preparing for his next shopping expedition, she sets up the percolator on the stove with the coffee to revive him.
It is a late summer's afternoon, it is hot, and he is exhausted from his walk from the subway after a long trip home. He looks worn out and seeing this, Mama is already irritated. Must you unpack right away? You can't stop for a drink first, a cup of coffee?
Yes, yes; but first I want you to see. What a day I had! What a trip home! But it was worth it. Wait until you see what I got here. Just wait till you see this merchandise! And so cheap, you wouldn't believe it. Fifteen cents a pound for Beef-steaks. (Out comes a tomato, lovingly wrapped in an orange tissue, wrapped by Papa while the storekeeper stood cursing the time he took. One by careful one, Papa gently unwraps each tomato, setting them out in a row like priceless jewels in Tiffany's Fifth Avenue window.
Oops, one tomato is damaged. Mama's hands rise spontaneously to her hips. Pap unwraps another. This one shows a blemish or two. Her eyes narrow.
She: This is your bargain? Look, half of the tomatoes are
soft, bruised, spoiled. I can't put them to the table. What's the matter with you - don't you know merchandise? You! You used to own a fruit and vegetable store. It goes to show you, how good you knew then is how good you know now. Tell me something, are you blind. Can't you see? (Pointing contemptuously at the display) These tomatoes are spoiled.
He: Spoiled? You’re the one who has to spoil my pleasure. I do it for you. And it was such a bargain, how could I resist. I swear to you, Bessie, when I wrapped up the tomatoes one by one (or peaches, or bananas, or pears), they were perfect, or tahkeh (really), would I buy them? And shlepp them? How could I resist, tell me? I got three pounds for the price of three pieces.
She: Better I should buy one pound from Izzie on the corner -- there I know% it's perfect. (Flicking her hand in a gesture of rejection.) Who needs these. You call this merchandize? You can't tell perfect from ge-speckte, ge-spotted, spoiled?
(Papa palms a tomato, smooths it softly, rolls it lovingly in his hand, turning a nearly perfect surface to-wards her.)
8.
He: You're talking perfect? Here is perfect. (Beginning to whine.) How I dragged myself with my old, broken back to Ninth Avenue. And in such a heat! My regular man didn't have, so I walked three extra blocks, with my tired feet, and I looked and there I found a new stand, with such merchandise, and I picked out by hand even though the man hollered at me to leave his fruit alone. And then I shlepped it back to the office, dragged it with my last strength, with six pounds yet of apples and five pounds ge-spekte peaches and plums you should make a compote, and a dozenpieces of corn for the children - you know how Elka loves corn. So what if it's a little old, the corn - Deli-cious. And the fish, the fish I bought for you for Friday, you shouldn;t have to go yourself in the heat. Then I had to find ,a box - two boxes. Look how I packed it all up, and tied it. See how I tied it? You always appreciate my pack-ages, my knots, and how I make it so I can save the cord for the next time. WHY DO YOU HAVE TO BE SO MEEEEAN?
She: Mean? I'm mean? You want me to appreciate if you're stupid? Such a package you carry home? To the train and from the train. Such a trip! Look at what you look like. You want to drop dead from carrying? From being so good to me? And just look at what you bring me@ You are a fool, stupid. You'll drop dead from your bargains.
Hw: I'm a fool? Stupid? You're a fine one. Some day will you be sorry. 1 bring I carry,, I shlepp. For who do I do it? For me? No, For you. For the chldren. So you shouldn't have to go and shlepp from the store. Mean. You're a mean thing, that's what you are. Some day you'll be sorry. I'll drop dead from aggravation, that's what, not from shiepping.
The climax is closing in . Even when we were little my younger sister and I, we saw the approaching moment of truth, and we fled to the opposite end of the apartment.
I burying my head in a book, fingers in my ears, Edith on the
Sun porch boucing a rubber ball, hard, with for once no protest from the parents.
She: Ahh (in disgust)! Into the earth with your bargains!
He: Wha.aa.t? You paskutvah-miserable wretch. May you burn up. May a fire kindle itself and burn you up!
She: hould burn? You should live to see that happen. May the cholera grab hold of you, fool.
He: Mean, mean. Miserable wretch. You should sink into the ground you should sink. A hole should open underneath you and you should drop into it. A deep hole should swallow you.
She: Sink yourself, you wretch.
Papa's imagination is more fertile, his curses more graphic.
He: May the worms peel off your skin. May they crawl
over your crumbling skin, so no one can tell the diff¬erence between the worms and you. Sink, sink down into the earth, you wretch.
She: Your mother should have miscarried before you even saw the light of day
That does it. Papa breaks.
9.
Papa: How could you say such a thing to me? You know how I hate cursing. In my parents' home there was only cursing. You know how much I hate it! How could you say such a thing to me - my mother should have aborted.
Filled with misery, too broken even to light his Lord Salisbury turkish cigarette, Papa slumps out of the kitchen, staggers into their bedroom, falls creakily onto his bed. Minutes pass. Mama is muttering in the kitchen as she sorts and arranges and puts awav the "merchandise." Three minutes pass.. .four. .another. Then, from the bedroom: Papa: Bessie, Behsssieee, give me a little alcohol, please.
Ah-hah. We know what's coming now, Edith and I. I stop pressing my fingers against my ears and close my book. Edith bounces the ball more and more slowly. The alcohol—a drink of schapps? Of course not.
Papa: Bessie, my back. Get the rubbing alcohol. My back is killing me. Give me a little rubdown...please.
10.
Down the hall we hear mama open the medicine cabinet: now her hand turns the knob on the bedroom door. Edith and I run down the stairs and rush into the street, I with my book, Edith with her ball
By Florence Stadlen
He was crazy in love with her always. By time I came along, their ninth child, she was certainly not beautiful in any conventional way. She had smallish, deeply set brown eyes, thin lips, and rather scanty brown hair pulled back in a tight little knot; and she was somewhat dumpy after
many pregnancies, and more than a little pigeon
toed. But to Papa she was heart catchingly beautiful - beautiful. She knew he believed this and she revelled in it; and we knew how he felt and we basked in it.
She was enormously attracted to Papa but suspicious
of her sexuality, embarrassed by it, perhaps because she really believed she had married beneath her; and more often than not she looked down her nose at him and, after the children came, sometimes demeaned him in our presence. Still I knew she loved him, and their love warmed me.
Papa took slowly to life’s demands. He was a dreamer and immature when he married at twenty two, and it took him much suffering and much suffer the loss of three children before he finally grew up.
She was a pragmatist, orphaned at sixteen by the death of her
mother, weighted down with respon¬sibilities she took upon
herself, making her six younger siblings her wards.
For a
For a long time after they married, Mama struggled to keep Papa steadily at
work in the face of many distractions: the theatre, the opera, and pinochle.
Their marriage had been arranged, its roots in the old country. Bubba and Zaida were prosperous butchers on the Lower East Side, acutely aware of Papa's "immaturity," which
they perceived as simplemindedness. Eager to get him off their hands, Bessie Cederbaum seemed made-to-order; a good girl from a respected family - a learned father, a Tzaddik; but she was motherless, a penniless girl, at 23 well past her prime.
The courtship took place when the twentieth century was very young; and although the match was arranged by their parents, in some ways Mama and Papa were part of a newly liberated gen¬eration that had left behind them in the old country at least
2.
some of the old ways. Papa continued to practice
some of the rituals of his religion; but only as they suited his sense of the dramatic, always arranging the setting, and always with appropriate, high quality props. For example, in casting off our sins on Rosh Hashana (?) to our proxy, the
live squawking chicken he swung round and round over our heads while we children cringed and screeched, was a large, fat chicken
appeared to have a five-foot wing spread. And on Succoth, when we followed behind Papa and Mama in a parade through our Borough Park apartment , the exquisitely scented Esrog had been ever-so-carefully selected for quality and pungency, and the Lilluf he shook forcefully produced the whoosh of a half dozen palm trees.
Mama was proud of what she considered her rebellion; but
it paled besides those of Papa. To Papa life was - Enjoy: and he easily threw off religious practices, including food taboos. Mama’s big and sole rebellion was her refusal ever to don a sheitl -and she was proud of this, although no one ever protested, least of all Papa,who didn’t give a damn, so proud of her looks he wanted the whole world to see.
3.
They married in 1902, at a wedding celebration with 500 guests. That was the year the Queensborough Bridge was completed, still another span over the East River, following on the heels of three other recently opened gateways to
Brooklyn. What these bridges portended, Mama and Papa in their
small way pioneered in their lifetime, extending the frontiers of New York City by settling in the other boroughs.
In their time together they went from from Manhattan and Brooklyn to Queens, from coal stoves to central heating, from gas jets to electricity, and Papa went from the Second Avenue Theatre to radio and television. They lived to watch moon landings on T.V. Papa, more than Mama welcomed new technology. He looked forward to vacations, and was always ready for anything new.
When it came to progress he had guts.
He bought truck before he could drive, to supercede the horse and wagon he had used to deliver garments. The truck salesman showed him how to shift gears and off Papa went. When he stalled on making left turn, he left the truck in the middle of the street and ran back to the salesman for another lesson.
Papa never walked if he could drive, although his sense of direction was totally nil and he got us lost on every Sunday’s 'family expedition.
He never took the train if he could get to,where he was going by plane. Mama quaking at his side but right there beside him; and on their return she offered up prayers of thanks for their deliverance.
They were to come a long, way from their courting days when Papa used to go out walking with Mama, his
"affinity," on a Wednesday evening or Saturday night date,
They went to the foot of Delancey Street for a ferry ride to Brooklyn and
back at the cost of a penny,,round-trip. If by some piece of
good fortune Papa had an extra penny, he offered to buy Mama a drink of plain seltzer on the walk back to her tenement; he, himself, was never thirsty because although he might sometimes have one penny for a drink for her, he never had two to rub together.
Once married, they set up business in a small butcher shop of their own, only a few blocks from his parents' store, and down the street from where the young couple now lived.
Mama became pregnant almost at once. "He didn't have to do more than look at me, it seemed, and I was pregnant." They worked side by side, closely if not peaceablY, her charm and what she termed her "teck” (tact) augmenting Papa’s failings.
He had little patience with housewifely shenanigans (“that piece of flanken is too fat” or weighed 2 3/8 not 2 ¼ lbs) and easily lost his temper. Mama smiled at the customers as she poked and pushed Papa out of the way, and Papa realized that he needed Mama to be at his side if they were to make a living.
4
Still, after awhile one afternoon each week Papa began to in¬sist that Mama go to their flat to rest. "'You're tired, Bashale go rest." Mama, in advanced pregnancy, was pleased he was so thoughtful; but before long she began to smell a rat. Once a week rest? And always on Wednesday? What is going on!
So one Wednesday afternoon, when he again bade her go, she left the shop . but instead of going straight home, she stopped, waiting unseen, behind some grillwork up the street. She hadn't long to wait. Out the door comes Papa, butcher coat off, suit jacket on. Holding himself close to the door as he locked up shop, Papa looked furtively up and down the street and seeing noone he knew took off at a trot in the direction of the Second Avenue Theatre District. His last matinee.
Thenceforth the performances were of his own creation, and as the family grew, and grew up, the children were Papa's audience for Shakespearean monologues and soliloquies which he had not learned during his four years in elementary school
but in darkened theatres he had frequented in stolen hours over many years.
The synagogue, too, was Papa's theatre. Whenever his work life permitted, Papa accompanied Mama to shule. In their Sabbath best they walked proudly up the streets arm-in-arm, parting at the temple door, Mama climbing up the stairs to the women's balcony, Papa, head held high, marching to his reserved seat, almost always costing more than he could afford, as close as possible to the Beema and the eastern wall. Once there, he unfolded his huge, billowing body-length tallis (which as
5.
every Jew knew would in time be his shroud), wrapped it around his shoulders and torso, at proper intervals even covering his head with it. Rocking on his heels and bowing to and fro, now he muttered his prayers, or at proper intervals raised his voice for all to hear, and at appropriate times kissed the fringes of the tallis with a dry, resounding smack. Phil¬acteries wound around his head and right arm, he appeared and doubtless felt himself kin to ancient priests of the Great Temple, or perhaps the hero in a classic Yiddish play.
Mama, in contrast, was a simple, true believer who practiced the rituals by rote , out of deepest conviction, always in unquestioning faith and trust in God. She kept the faith every way she knew, secure in the knowledge that God was Just.
The differences between them were enormous, or so we children thought, and we couldn't fathom either why they had married or what kept them together. It seemed a miracle to me that they had so far not slaughtered each other, so graphic and terrifying were their battles; and although they had already been married twenty years or more by time
I was born, I would have given odds when I was twelve or so, that this marriage was doomed. What we children saw was not what held them fast in what was to be a fifty-odd year marriage; but only their differences and noisy conflicts. Besides, we girls in particular, accepted Papa on Mama's evaluation and the world's, and perhaps his own as well, only later, with the wisdom of years learning to give Papa his due.
6.
We took for granted, for example, that Mama was the infinitely superior of the two, more intelligent, more morally upright. Hence the causes were clear of the constant friction and what we perceived as bitter battles. Oddly, their battles were never over their moral or religious differ¬ences. How was it possible for Mama not to smell the smoke from Papa's cigarettes as it curled under the closed bathroom door? How come, after we children had married, that Mama never heard the radio on which Papa listened to Saturday’s baseball games locked in his bedroom, or later the T.V.or both at the same time? Mama turned a :deaf ear and went or praying. They seemed to have an unspoken accord - live and let live.
But let him buy a spotted or soft tomato on one of his shopping expeditions to the teeming markets of Hell's Kitchen not far from Papa's small trucking terminal, or buy her not one, not two, but three fancy dresses to wear to shule or on a vacation, and all hell broke loose, the scene repeating it-self over and over and over again, the scenario wholly predictable, its climax always the same.
7.
Papa staggers into the kitchen carrying two well-packed
While he carefully undoes the string, meticulously re-winding it, already preparing for his next shopping expedition, she sets up the percolator on the stove with the coffee to revive him.
It is a late summer's afternoon, it is hot, and he is exhausted from his walk from the subway after a long trip home. He looks worn out and seeing this, Mama is already irritated. Must you unpack right away? You can't stop for a drink first, a cup of coffee?
Yes, yes; but first I want you to see. What a day I had! What a trip home! But it was worth it. Wait until you see what I got here. Just wait till you see this merchandise! And so cheap, you wouldn't believe it. Fifteen cents a pound for Beef-steaks. (Out comes a tomato, lovingly wrapped in an orange tissue, wrapped by Papa while the storekeeper stood cursing the time he took. One by careful one, Papa gently unwraps each tomato, setting them out in a row like priceless jewels in Tiffany's Fifth Avenue window.
Oops, one tomato is damaged. Mama's hands rise spontaneously to her hips. Pap unwraps another. This one shows a blemish or two. Her eyes narrow.
She: This is your bargain? Look, half of the tomatoes are
soft, bruised, spoiled. I can't put them to the table. What's the matter with you - don't you know merchandise? You! You used to own a fruit and vegetable store. It goes to show you, how good you knew then is how good you know now. Tell me something, are you blind. Can't you see? (Pointing contemptuously at the display) These tomatoes are spoiled.
He: Spoiled? You’re the one who has to spoil my pleasure. I do it for you. And it was such a bargain, how could I resist. I swear to you, Bessie, when I wrapped up the tomatoes one by one (or peaches, or bananas, or pears), they were perfect, or tahkeh (really), would I buy them? And shlepp them? How could I resist, tell me? I got three pounds for the price of three pieces.
She: Better I should buy one pound from Izzie on the corner -- there I know% it's perfect. (Flicking her hand in a gesture of rejection.) Who needs these. You call this merchandize? You can't tell perfect from ge-speckte, ge-spotted, spoiled?
(Papa palms a tomato, smooths it softly, rolls it lovingly in his hand, turning a nearly perfect surface to-wards her.)
8.
He: You're talking perfect? Here is perfect. (Beginning to whine.) How I dragged myself with my old, broken back to Ninth Avenue. And in such a heat! My regular man didn't have, so I walked three extra blocks, with my tired feet, and I looked and there I found a new stand, with such merchandise, and I picked out by hand even though the man hollered at me to leave his fruit alone. And then I shlepped it back to the office, dragged it with my last strength, with six pounds yet of apples and five pounds ge-spekte peaches and plums you should make a compote, and a dozenpieces of corn for the children - you know how Elka loves corn. So what if it's a little old, the corn - Deli-cious. And the fish, the fish I bought for you for Friday, you shouldn;t have to go yourself in the heat. Then I had to find ,a box - two boxes. Look how I packed it all up, and tied it. See how I tied it? You always appreciate my pack-ages, my knots, and how I make it so I can save the cord for the next time. WHY DO YOU HAVE TO BE SO MEEEEAN?
She: Mean? I'm mean? You want me to appreciate if you're stupid? Such a package you carry home? To the train and from the train. Such a trip! Look at what you look like. You want to drop dead from carrying? From being so good to me? And just look at what you bring me@ You are a fool, stupid. You'll drop dead from your bargains.
Hw: I'm a fool? Stupid? You're a fine one. Some day will you be sorry. 1 bring I carry,, I shlepp. For who do I do it? For me? No, For you. For the chldren. So you shouldn't have to go and shlepp from the store. Mean. You're a mean thing, that's what you are. Some day you'll be sorry. I'll drop dead from aggravation, that's what, not from shiepping.
The climax is closing in . Even when we were little my younger sister and I, we saw the approaching moment of truth, and we fled to the opposite end of the apartment.
I burying my head in a book, fingers in my ears, Edith on the
Sun porch boucing a rubber ball, hard, with for once no protest from the parents.
She: Ahh (in disgust)! Into the earth with your bargains!
He: Wha.aa.t? You paskutvah-miserable wretch. May you burn up. May a fire kindle itself and burn you up!
She: hould burn? You should live to see that happen. May the cholera grab hold of you, fool.
He: Mean, mean. Miserable wretch. You should sink into the ground you should sink. A hole should open underneath you and you should drop into it. A deep hole should swallow you.
She: Sink yourself, you wretch.
Papa's imagination is more fertile, his curses more graphic.
He: May the worms peel off your skin. May they crawl
over your crumbling skin, so no one can tell the diff¬erence between the worms and you. Sink, sink down into the earth, you wretch.
She: Your mother should have miscarried before you even saw the light of day
That does it. Papa breaks.
9.
Papa: How could you say such a thing to me? You know how I hate cursing. In my parents' home there was only cursing. You know how much I hate it! How could you say such a thing to me - my mother should have aborted.
Filled with misery, too broken even to light his Lord Salisbury turkish cigarette, Papa slumps out of the kitchen, staggers into their bedroom, falls creakily onto his bed. Minutes pass. Mama is muttering in the kitchen as she sorts and arranges and puts awav the "merchandise." Three minutes pass.. .four. .another. Then, from the bedroom: Papa: Bessie, Behsssieee, give me a little alcohol, please.
Ah-hah. We know what's coming now, Edith and I. I stop pressing my fingers against my ears and close my book. Edith bounces the ball more and more slowly. The alcohol—a drink of schapps? Of course not.
Papa: Bessie, my back. Get the rubbing alcohol. My back is killing me. Give me a little rubdown...please.
10.
Down the hall we hear mama open the medicine cabinet: now her hand turns the knob on the bedroom door. Edith and I run down the stairs and rush into the street, I with my book, Edith with her ball
Jokes for Cookbook- draft 1.25.09
Jokes for the Cookbook
(Heard any good jokes lately?)
Ok, so here’s a joke to “bridge” the Cookbook and the Jokebook (and explain the connection):
A Jewish Grandmother's 21 Steps To the Proper Preparation of Gefilte Fish
1. Two weeks before a major Jewish holiday, call your daughter and ask her what she plans to serve at the festive meal. Express your outrage when she suggests serving doctored up canned gefilte fish. Offer to make the fish yourself. 2. Suggest that your daughter take a day off from work so that she can watch you make the fish, so she'll know how to do it for her kids after she has put you in The Home. Two days before the holiday, call your daughter and tell her that you hate to disappoint her but you simply don't have the strength to make gefilte fish. 3. While your daughter is racing all over looking for a substitute appetizer, get all dressed up and take a bus...and a subway...and another bus... 4. ...to an obscure fish store in a slum where they still sell LIVE CARP. 5. Examine the carp swimming in the fish tank. Ask the owner if any fresher carp will be arriving soon. 6. On principle, reject the first two fish that he offers you. 7. Accept the third or fourth. Allow him to fillet and skin the carp but NEVER let him put your fish near his electric grinder. Far be it from you to accuse someone unjustly, but you know he has ground dead carp in it. 8. Lugging three heavy shopping bags filled with fish, take three buses home, unless someone has told you about a way of taking four. 9. Call your daughter and tell her that you felt a little bit better and decided to go to your special fish store to pick up the carp. You know how busy she is right before the holidays so you didn't want to ask her to drive all the way out there. 10. Tell her how exhausted you are and describe in detail the assassin who tried to steal your pocketbook as you were boarding the second bus. Inquire whether your daughter would mind picking you up. You normally wouldn't ask but it's much easier to make the gefilte fish in her kitchen because she has all the latest electric gadgets. 11. Remove several washed mixing bowls from your daughter's dishwasher and then rinse them to make sure they are clean. 12. There should be a separate bowl for each ingredient so that dirt from the carrots will not get on the celery. Put the diced carrots in one bowl, the sliced celery in the second, the chopped onions in the third and then combine them all in a fourth bowl. Ask your daughter to stop whatever she is doing and come and watch you. 13. Eye your daughter's food processor with suspicion. Ask her to help you operate it. Chop the carp in it for 15 seconds, then move all the ingredients into your ancient wooden chopping bowl. 14. Rev up those Hadassah arms and attack the ingredients with a dull bladed hockmesser for 90 minutes. Demand that your daughter acknowledge the superiority of your withered arm over a horsepower motor. 15. Place your hand on your chest and moan. Accept your daughter's offer to help. Give her the bowl and the hockmesser. 16. Twelve seconds later, snatch the bowl and chopper out of your daughter's hands. Tell her to watch carefully so she'll be more of a help next year. Pulverize the fish with your chopper for another 52 minutes. 17. On the bottom of a cast-iron pot with a non-matching lid (rescued by your mother during a pogrom and brought in steerage to America), arrange slices of carrots, onions, celery, fish heads, skin and bones. 18. Form the chopped fish mush into oval patties and lay them gently on top of the ingredients in the pot. 19. Add liquid and seasonings, bring the pot to a boil, lower to simmer, cover the pot and let the fish cook until they're ready and taste good...but not as good as last year's. 20. After the patties cool, arrange them on a beautiful serving platter for your daughter and her guests. Dump the heads, skin and bones in a chipped bowl for yourself. Practice saying that the heads and the bones are the tastiest portions until you sound convincing.
A Gabbai approaches a guest in Shul and says, "I 'd like to give you an Aliyah. What is your name?"
The man answers, "Esther ben Moshe."
The Gabbai says, "No, I need YOUR name."
"It's Esther ben Moshe," the man says.
"How can that be your name?" asks the Gabbai.
The man answers, "I've been having financial problems, so everything now is in my wife's name."
How many members of the Bush Administration are needed to change a light bulb?
The Answer is TEN:
1. one to deny that the light bulb needs to be changed,
2. one to attack the patriotism of anyone who says the light bulb needs to be changed,
3. one to blame Clinton for burning out the light bulb,
4. one to tell the nations of the world that they are either for changing the light bulb or for darkness,
5. one to give a billion dollar no-bid contract to Haliburton for the new light bulb,
6. one to arrange a photograph of Bush, dressed as a janitor, standing on a step ladder under the banner -- Lightbulb Change Accomplished,
7. one administration insider to resign and write a book documenting in detail how Bush was literally in the dark,
8. one to viciously smear #7,
9. one surrogate to campaign on TV and at rallies on how George Bush has had a strong light-bulb changing policy all along,
10. and finally one to confuse Americans about the difference between screwing a light bulb and screwing the country
This one is dedicated to Uncle Lenny (the best actor since Tomashevsky):
Moishe, a Jewish actor is so down and out, he's ready to take any acting gig
that he can find.
Finally, he gets a lead, a classified ad that says, "Actor needed to play an
ape."
"I could do that," says Moishe.
To his surprise, the employer turns out to be the Central Park Zoo in New
York.
Owing to the mismanagement, the zoo has spent so much money renovating the
grounds and improving the habitat, they can no longer afford to import the
ape to replace the recently deceased one, so, until they can, they'll put an
actor in an ape suit.
Out of desperation, Moishe takes the offer.
A! t first, his conscience keeps nagging him, that he is being dishonest by
fooling the zoo-goers. Moishe also feels undignified in the ape suit, stared
at by the crowds who watch his every move.
But after a few days on the job, he begins to enjoy all the attention and
starts to put on a show for all the zoo-goers.
Moishe hangs upside down from the branches by his legs, swinging about on
the vines, climbing up the cage walls and roaring with all his might, while
beating on his chest.
Soon, he's drawing a sizable crowd.
One day, when Moishe is swing on the vines to show off to a group of school
kids, his hand slips and he goes flying over the fence into the neighboring
cage, the lion's den.
Terrified, Moishe backs up as far from the approaching lion as he can,
covers his eyes and prays at the top of his lungs, "Shama Yisroel Adonoi
Elaheinu, Adonoi Echud!"
The lion opens his powerful jaws and roars the response, "Baruch Shem K'vod
Malchuso! L'olam Va'ed"
From a nearby cage, a panda yells, "Shut up you schmucks, you'll get us all
fired!"
Clubbed (dedicated to Billy):
Wife to Norm: "What's your excuse for coming home at this time of the night?"
Norm to wife: "Golfing with friends, my dear."
Wife to Norm: "What? At 2 a.m?!"
Norm to wife: "Yes. We used night clubs!"
Hospital room
Two men, both seriously ill, occupied the same hospital room. One man was
> allowed to sit up in his bed for an hour each afternoon to help drain the
> fluid from his lungs. His bed was next to the room's only window. The other man
> had to spend all his time flat on his back. The men talked for hours on end.
> They spoke of their wives and families, their homes, their jobs, their
> involvement in the military service, where they had been on vacation.
> Every afternoon when the man in the bed by the window could sit up, he
> would pass the time by describing to his roommate all the things he could see
> outside the window.
> The man in the other bed began to live for those one hour periods where his
> world would be broadened and enlivened by all the activity and color of the
> world outside.
> The window overlooked a park with a lovely lake. Ducks and swans played on
> the water while children sailed their model boats. Young lovers walked arm in
> arm amidst flowers of every color and a fine view of the city skyline could
> be seen in the distance.
> As the man by the window described all this in exquisite detail, the man on
> the other side of the room would close his eyes and imagine the picturesque
> scene.
> One warm afternoon the man by the window described a parade passing by.
> Although the other man couldn't hear the band - he could see it. In his
> mind's eye as the gentleman by the window portrayed it with descriptive words.
> Days and weeks passed.
> One morning, the day nurse arrived to bring water for their baths only to
> find the lifeless body of the man by the window, who had died peacefully in
> his sleep. She was saddened and called the hospital attendants to take the body
> away.
> As soon as it seemed appropriate, the other man asked if he could be moved
> next to the window. The nurse was happy to make the switch, and after making
> sure he was comfortable, she left him alone.
> Slowly, painfully, he propped himself up on one elbow to take his first
> look at the real world outside.
> He strained to slowly turn to look out the window beside the bed.
> It faced a blank wall. The man asked the nurse what could have compelled
> his deceased roommate who had described such wonderful things outside this
> window
> The nurse responded that the man was blind and could not even see the wall.
>
> She said, "Perhaps he just wanted to encourage you."
> Epilogue:
> There is tremendous happiness in making others happy, despite our own
> situations.
> Shared grief is half the sorrow, but happiness when shared, is doubled.
> If you want to feel rich, just count all the things you have that money
> can't buy.
> "Today is a gift, that's why it is called the present."
> The origin of this letter is unknown, but it brings good luck to everyone
> who passes it on.
> Do not keep this letter.
> Just forward it to your friends to whom you wish blessings.
New Medications for Women Only
DAMNITOL Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 hours.
ST. MOMMA'S WORT Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours.
EMPTYNESTROGEN Highly effective suppository that eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out.
PEPTOBIMBO Liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and improves flirting.
DUMBEROL When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country western music.
FLIPITOR Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.
PENISCILLIN Potent antiboyotic for older women. Increases resistance to such lines as,"You make me want to be a better person ... can we get naked now?"
BUYAGRA Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency and duration of spending spree.
Extra Strength BUY-ONE-AL When combined with Buyagra, can cause an indiscriminate buying frenzy so severe the victim may even come home with a Donnie Osmond CD or a book by Dr. Laura.
JACKASSPIRIN Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number.
ANTI-TALKSIDENT A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers.
SEXCEDRIN More effective than Excedrin in creating the, "Not now, dear, I have a headache" syndrome.
NAGAMENT When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation as nagging him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself.
An elderly Chinese woman had two large pots, each hung on the ends of a
> > pole, that she carried on her shoulders. One of the pots had a crack in it while
> > the other pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion of water. At
> > the end of the long walk from the stream to the house, the cracked pot arrived
> > only half full.
> >
> > For a full two years this went on daily, with the woman bringing home only
> > one and a half pots of water.
> >
> > Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments. But the poor
> > cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection, and miserable that it could
> > only do half of what it had been made to do.
> >
> > After 2 years of what it perceived to be bitter failure, it spoke to the
> > woman one day by the stream. "I am ashamed of myself, because this crack in my
> > side causes water to leak out all the way back to your house."
> >
> > The old woman smiled, "Did you not notice that there are flowers on your
> > side of the path, but not on the other pot's side? That's because I have always
> > known about your flaw, so I planted flower seeds on your side of the path,
> > and every day while we walk back, you water them. For two years I have been
> > able to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate the table. Without you being
> > just the way you are, there would not be this beauty to grace the house.
> >
> > Each of us has our own unique flaw. But it's the cracks and flaws we each
> > have that make our lives together so very interesting and rewarding. To be
> > truly happy, you must take each person for what they are and by looking for the
> > good in them.
> >
> > So, to all of my crackpot friends and relatives, remember to smell the
> > flowers on your side of the path!
Fortune Cookies
Man who run in front of car get tired.
>>*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>>Man who run behind car get exhausted.
>>*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>>Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok
>>*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>>Man with one chopstick go hungry.
>>*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>>Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.
>>*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>>Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
>>*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>>Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
>>*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>>Panties not best thing on earth! But next to best thing on earth.
>>*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>>War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
>>*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>>Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
>>*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>>Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
>>*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>>It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
>>*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>>Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
>>*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>>Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
>>*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>>Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
>>*~ *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>>Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
>>*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>>Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
>>*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>>Crowded elevator smell different to midget.
>>*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Makes Cents
A man consults a therapist and states, "Doc, I'm suicidal. What should I do?"
The doctor replies, "Pay in advance."
ZEN JUDAISM
If there is no self,
whose arthritis is this?
Be here now.
Be someplace else later.
Is that so complicated?
Drink tea and nourish life.
With the first sip... joy.
With the second... satisfaction.
With the third, peace.
With the fourth, a danish.
Wherever you go, there you are.
Your luggage is another story.
Accept misfortune as a blessing.
Do not wish for perfect health
or a life without problems.
What would you talk about?
The journey of a thousand miles
begins with a single "oy."
There is no escaping karma.
In a previous life, you never called,
you never wrote, you never visited.
And whose fault was that?
Zen is not easy.
It takes effort to attain nothingness.
And then what do you have?
Bupkes.
The Tao does not speak.
The Tao does not blame.
The Tao does not take sides.
The Tao has no expectations.
The Tao demands nothing of others.
The Tao is not Jewish.
Breathe in. Breathe out.
Breathe in. Breathe out.
Forget this and attaining Enlightenment
will be the least of your problems.
Let your mind be as a floating cloud.
Let your stillness be as the wooded glen.
And sit up straight. You'll never meet the
Buddha with such rounded shoulders.
Be patient and achieve all things.
Be impatient and achieve all things faster.
To Find the Buddha, look within.
Deep inside you are ten thousand flowers.
Each flower blossoms ten thousand times.
Each blossom has ten thousand petals.
You might want to see a specialist.
To practice Zen and the art of Jewish
motorcycle maintenance, do the following:
get rid of the motorcycle.
What were you thinking?
Be aware of your body.
Be aware of your perceptions.
Keep in mind that not every physical
sensation is a symptom of a terminal illness.
The Torah says, "Love thy neighbor as thyself."
The Buddha says there is no "self."
So, maybe you are off the hook.
Though only your skin, sinews, and bones remain,
though your blood and flesh dry up and wither away,
yet shall you meditate and not stir until you have
attained full Enlightenment.
But, first, a little nosh.
A True Story:
When everybody on earth was dead and waiting to enter Paradise, God
>appeared and said, "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the
>men who were true heads of their household and the other line for the
>men who were dominated by their women. I want all the women to report to
>St Peter."
>
> Soon, the women were gone and there were two lines of men. The
>line of the men who were dominated by their wives was 100 miles long,
>and in the line of men who truly were heads of their household, there
>was only one man.
>
> God said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created
>you to be the head of your household. You have been disobedient and not
>fulfilled your purpose. I told you to be the spiritual leader in your
>family. Of all of you only one obeyed. Learn from him. Tell them, my
>son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"
>
> The man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."
THINGS I KNOW THAT I DIDN'T LEARN IN HEBREW SCHOOL
1. The High Holidays have absolutely nothing to do with marijuana.
2. Where there's smoke, there may be salmon.
3. No meal is complete without leftovers.
4. According to Jewish dietary law, pork and shellfish may be eaten only
in Chinese restaurants.
5. A schmata is a dress that your husband's ex is wearing.
6. You need 10 men for a minion, but only four in polyester pants and
white shoes for pinochle.
7. One mitzvah can change the world; two will just make you tired.
8. After the destruction of the Second temple, God created Loehmann's.
9. Anything worth saying is worth repeating a thousand times.
10. Never take a front row seat at a Bris.
11. Next year in Jerusalem. The year after that, how about a nice cruise?
12. Never leave a restaurant empty handed.
13. Spring ahead, fall back, winters in Boca.
14. WASP's leave and never say good bye; Jews say goodbye and never leave.
15. Always whisper the names of diseases.
16. If it tastes good, it's probably not kosher.
17. The important Jewish holidays are the ones on which alternate side
of the street parking is suspended.
18. Without Jewish mothers, who would need therapy?
19. If you have to ask the price, you can't afford it. But if you can
Afford it, make sure to tell everybody what you paid.
20. Laugh now, but one day you'll be driving a Lexus and eating dinner
at 4:00 PM in Florida.
Personal anecdotes (sample from Maria):
Passover Jewku
On Passover we opened door for Elijah.
Now our cat is gone.
Dear Danny,
I cannot remember any recipes but the stories are very dear and some very funny. We laughed at some pretty silly things as women sometimes do. One time we had walked Sade in Riverside Park and we got into Sylvana's car, Sade in back and panting, and I said to Sylvana, "Syl, Sade's breath smells like poop!" Sylvana laughed and said, "Yes, it is. She eats it in the Park!" One time we went to the beach near her parents' apartment and I brought a folding chair/lounge because I didn't like to get sand all over me. Sylvana always told me I was a prima donna. Anyway, we had Sade and we set ourselves up in the sand, Sylvana loved to lie on a towel on the sand and I liked to lie on a towel on my chair/lounge. Sade went under my chair and began digging a big hole which caused my chair to collapse and I rolled into the sand. Sylvia was hysterical laughing for a long time. We spent the rest of our time trying to get Sade to not eat other sunbathers' food as she joyfully pounced on the blankets of anyone who had any food. Then we went to visit Esther and Sam and Mitchel was there and I remember that Esther gave us some delicious honeydew melon. We stayed and visited with them and then went to visit Billy and Orna and the kids. I don't think Dean was born yet. I always had a great time running around with Sylvia. Mostly we went to the beach and the flea markets and to visit the house in Rockaway and to visit family. She always knew the best flea markets and always bought a lot of stuff I windered what she would do with it and she always said, "One of the kids will love this." Her car was always full of things from the discount stores for the kids and she always offered some of her bargains to me. She was so generous with everything. I never knew what new bargains she had found but she found them almost daily in Weber's or Odd Jobs or the flea market. She was sad to hear that Weber's closed.
I will write some more later as it is 2am and I must sleep. I hope you and Charlotte and Max had a great summer and I will see you at Tyler's barmitzvah on the boat. It sounds like great fun and a wonderful time. Take care. I must set up an appointment with Charlotte one of these days so I can set up something with my small worth to leave for my nieces. Enjoy the end of August and I send you lots of love.
Maria
xoxoxo
Joke from Dr. Mike:
HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
(1) You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like
sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the
chips and dip coming.
-- Alan, age 10
(2) No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to
marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who
you're stuck with.
-- Kirsten, age 10
WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
(1) Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by
then.
-- Camille, age 10
(2) No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get
married.
-- Freddie, age 6 (very wise for his age)
HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
(1) You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at
the same kids.
- Derrick, age 8
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE
IN COMMON?
(1) Both don't want any more kids.
-- Lori, age 8
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
(1) Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know
each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
-- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)
(2) On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually
gets
them interested enough to go for a second date.
-- Martin, age 10
WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
(1) I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the
newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
-- Craig, age 9
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
(1) When they're rich.
-- Pam, age 7
(2) The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't
want to mess with that.
-- Curt, age 7
(3) The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry
them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
-- Howard, age 8
IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
(1) I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing. I'm never
going to have sex with my wife. I don't want to be all grossed out.
-- Theodore, age 8
(2) It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys
need someone to clean up after them.
-- Anita, age 9 (bless you child)
HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
(1) There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
-- Kelvin, age 8
And the # 1 Favorite is........
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
(1) Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a
truck.
-- Ricky, age 10
Here are a few things to think about that you probably have never thought about:
Can you cry under water?
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?
Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?
Why do you have to "put your two cents in" but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"?
Where's that extra penny going to?
Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
What disease did cured ham actually have?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?
If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you?
Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America?
Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.
If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?
Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet soup?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out!"
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
When your photo is taken for your driver's license, why do they tell you to smile? If you are stopped by the police and asked for your license, are you going to be smiling?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?
Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
What do you call male ballerinas?
If Wyle E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?
Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
(Don't forget Baa-Baa Black sheep, Have you any wool?)
Why did you just try singing the songs above?
Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your ass?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride; he sticks his head out the window?
If a light sleeper sleeps with a light on, what does a hard sleeper sleep with?
Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first place?
More Jewish Jokes:
Subject: The Yiddish Parrot
Itzik, a lonely widower, was walking home along Delancy Street one day wishing something wonderful would happen in his life when he passed a pet store and heard a squawking voice shouting out in Yiddish,
"Quawwwwk...vus machts du?" (How're ya doin')
"Yeah, du." (Yeah, you. "du" is pronounced "doo"; it's the equivalent of the French "tu" as used in informal conversations.)
Itzik rubbed his eyes and ears. Couldn't believe it. Perfect Yiddish. The proprietor urged him, "Come in here, fella, and check out this parrot..." Itzik did. An African Grey cocked his little head and said: "Vus? Kenst sprechen Yiddish?" (What? Can you speak Yiddish?)
In a matter of moments, Itzik had placed five hundred dollars on the counter and carried the parrot in his cage away with him. All night he talked with the parrot. In Yiddish. He told the parrot about his father's adventures coming to America. About how beautiful his late wife, Sarah, was when she was a young bride. About his family. About his years of working in the garment district. About Florida. The parrot listened and commented. They shared some walnuts. The parrot told him of living in the pet store, how lonely he would get on the weekends. They both went to sleep.
Next morning, Itzik began to put on his Tfillin (Phyllacteries), all the while saying his prayers. The parrot demanded to know what he was doing and when Itzik explained, the parrot wanted to do the same. Itzik went out and had a miniature set of tfillin hand made for the parrot. The parrot wanted to learn to daven (pray), and learned every prayer. He even wanted to learn to read Hebrew. So Itzik spent weeks and months, sitting and teaching the parrot, teaching him Torah. In time, Itzik came to love and count on the parrot as a friend and fellow Jew.
One morning, on Rosh Hashanah, Itzik rose and got dressed and was about to leave when the parrot demanded to go with him. Itzik explained that Shul (Synagogue) was not a place for a bird, but the parrot made a terrific argument, so Itzik relented and carried the bird to Shul on his shoulder. Needless to say, they made quite a spectacle, and Itzik was questioned by everyone, including the Rabbi and the Cantor. They refused to allow a bird into the building on the High Holy Days, but Itzik persuaded them to let him in this one time, swearing that parrot could daven.
Wagers were made with Itzik. Thousands of dollars were bet that the parrot could NOT daven, could not speak Yiddish or Hebrew, etc. All eyes were on the African Grey during services. The parrot perched on Itzik's shoulder as one prayer and song passed - Itzik heard not a peep from the bird. He began to become annoyed, slapping at his shoulder and mumbling under his breath, "Daven!" Nothing. "Daven...parrot, you can daven, so daven...come on, everyone is looking at you!" Nothing. After Rosh Hashanah services were concluded, Itzik found that he owed his Shul buddies and the Rabbi over four thousand dollars..
He marched home, so upset he said nothing to the parrot. Finally several blocks from the Temple the Parrot began to sing an old Yiddish song, as happy as a lark. Itzik stopped and looked at him. "Why? After I had tfillin made for you and taught you the morning prayers, and taught you to read Hebrew and the Torah. And after you begged me to bring you to Shul on Rosh Hashana, why? WHY?!? Why did you do this to me?" "Itzik, don't be an idiot," the parrot replied. "Think of the odds we'll get on Yom Kippur!"
.
=
Jewish Holidays
As a general principle, Jewish holidays are divided between days on which you must starve and days on which you must overeat. Many Jews observe no fewer than 16 fasts throughout the Jewish year, based on the time-honored principle that even if you are sure that you are ritually purified, you definitely aren't. Though there are many feasts and fasts, there are no holidays requiring light snacking.
Note: Unlike Christians, who simply attend church on special days (e.g. Easter, Christmas, etc.), on Jewish holidays most Jews take the whole day off. This is because Jews, for historical and personal reasons, are more stressed out.
The Diet Guide to the Jewish Holidays:
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Rosh Hashanah -- Feast
Tzom Gedalia -- Fast
Yom Kippur -- More fasting
Sukkot -- Feast
Hashanah Rabbah -- More feasting
Simchat Torah -- Keep feasting
Month of Heshvan -- No feasts or fasts for a whole month. Get a grip on yourself.
Hanukkah -- Eat potato pancakes
Tenth of Tevet -- Do not eat potato pancakes
Tu B'Shevat -- Feast
Fast of Esther -- Fast
Purim -- Eat pastry
Passover -- Do not eat pastry
Shavuot -- Dairy feast (cheesecake, blintzes etc.)
17th of Tammuz -- Fast (definitely no cheesecake or blintzes)
Tish B'Av -- Very strict fast (don't even think about cheesecake or blintzes)
Month of Elul -- End of cycle.
Enroll in Center for Eating Disorders before High Holidays arrive again
There are many forms of Judaism:
--------------------------------------------------
Cardiac Judaism -- in my heart I am a Jew.
Gastronomic Judaism -- we eat Jewish foods.
Pocketbook Judaism -- I give to Jewish causes.
Drop-off Judaism -- drop the kids off at Sunday school and go out to breakfast.
Two-Times a Year Judaism -- attend service Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur.
You know you grew up Jewish when:
---------------------------------------------------
You've had at least one female relative who drew eyebrows on her face that were always asymmetrical.
You spent your entire childhood thinking that everyone calls roast beef "brisket".
You've experienced the phenomena of 50 people fitting into a 10 foot wide dining room hitting each other with plastic plates trying to get to a deli tray.
You were as tall as your grandmother by the age of seven.
You were surprised to find out that wine doesn't always taste like year-old cranberry sauce.
You can look at gefilte fish and not turn green.
You can understand Yiddish but you can't speak it.
You know how to pronounce numerous Yiddish words and use them correctly in context, yet you don't exactly know what they mean. Kenahura
You have at least one ancestor who is related to your spouse's ancestor.
You grew up thinking it's normal for someone to shout "Are you okay? Are you okay?" through the bathroom door if you're in there for longer than 3 minutes.
You thought that speaking loud was normal.
The End
Izzy was dying. His wife was with him, standing next to his bed. As he was drawing his last few breaths, he gasped, "Sadie, I have one last request." "Of course, Izzy, what is it?" Sadie asked softly. "Six months after I die," he said, "I want you to marry Louis." "But I thought you hated Louis," Sadie said. With his final breath, Izzy said, "I do."
The Babysitter
The phone rings and a JEWISH MOTHER picks up the phone and answers:
Jewish Mother
Hello?
Daughter
Hi Mom. Can I leave the kids with you tonight?
Jewish Mother
You're going out?
Daughter
Yes.
Jewish Mother
With whom?
Daughter
With a friend.
Jewish Mother
I don't know why you left your husband. He is such a good man.
Daughter
I didn't leave him. He left me!
Jewish Mother
You let him leave you, and now you go out with anybodies and nobodies.
Daughter
I do not go out with anybody. Can I bring over the kids?
Jewish Mother
I never left you to go out with anybody except your father.
Daughter
There are lots of things that you did and I don't.
Jewish Mother
What are you hinting at?
Daughter
Nothing. I just want to know if I can bring the kids over tonight.
Jewish Mother
You're going to stay the night with him? What will your husband say if he
finds out?
Daughter
My EX husband. I don't think he would be bothered. From the day he left
me, he probably never slept alone!
Jewish Mother
So you're going to sleep over at this loser's place?
Daughter
He's not a loser.
Jewish Mother
A man who goes out with a divorced woman with children is a loser and a
parasite.
Daughter
I don't want to argue. Should I bring over the kids or not?
Jewish Mother
Poor children with such a mother.
Daughter
Such a what?
Jewish Mother
With no stability. No wonder your husband left you.
Daughter
ENOUGH !!!
Jewish Mother
Don't scream at me. You probably scream at this loser too!
Daughter
Now you're worried about the loser?
Jewish Mother
Ah, so you see he's a loser. I spotted him immediately.
Daughter
Goodbye, mother.
Jewish Mother
Wait! Don't hang up! When are you bringing them over?
Daughter
I'm not bringing them over! I'm not going out!
Jewish Mother
If you never go out, how do you expect to meet anyone?
Shorties:
Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was a salted.
A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you,
but don't start anything."
A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry we don't
serve food in here."
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says,
"A beer please...and one for the road."
Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love, and get married. The
ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was brilliant.
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other, "Does this
taste funny to you?"
"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home."
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"It's not unusual."
Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to
Dolly: "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," said Dolly.
"It's true, no bull!" exclaimed Daisy.
An in visible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing
to look at either.
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my
electron."
The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."
Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this BS before.
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed.
Is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him." So, he picks the dog
up, examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm
going to have to put him down."
"What?! Just because he's cross-eyed?!?"
"No, because he's really, really heavy!!"
A woman went to the butchers the other day and bet him 5 bucks that he
couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are
too high."
A guy went to a seafood disco rave last week and pulled a mussel.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. But when they lit a fire
in the craft, it sank....proving once and for all that you can't have
your kayak and heat it too.
What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
Two termites walk into a bar. One asked, "Is the bar tender here?
A couple of ropes walk into a bar. The bartender says, "We don't
serve ropes here. Please leave." After they walk out, the female rope
ties herself into a pretty bow and frizzes up her ends. Then she walks
back in. The bartender says "Didn't I tell you we don't serve ropes?"
To which she replies "I'm a frayed knot."
A blonde enters a store that sells curtains. She tells the salesman, "I would like to buy a pair of pink curtains."
The salesman assures her that they have a large selection of pink curtains. He shows her several patterns, but the blonde seems to be having a hard time choosing. Finally she selects a lovely pink floral print. The salesman then asks what size curtains she needs.
The blonde promptly replies, "Fifteen inches."
"Fifteen inches???" asked the salesman. "That sounds very small - what room are they for?"
The blonde tells him that they aren't for a room; they are for her computer monitor.
The surprised salesman replies, "But Miss, computers do not need curtains!"
The blond says, "Hellllooooooooo. I've got Windoooooows!"
Coming for Passover
An elderly man in Miami called his son in New York and said, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing. Forty-five years of misery is enough."
"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screamed.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man said. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hung up.
Frantic, the son called his sister, who exploded on the phone, "They are not getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this."
She called her father immediately and screamed at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing; DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hung up.
The old man hung up his phone, smiled, and turned to his wife... "Okay," he said, "They're coming for Passover and paying their own airfares."
One-Liners
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
Money can't buy happiness. But it sure makes misery easier to live with.
Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.
Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can't find them.
Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.
The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as warning to others.
Ray's Law: You can't fall off the floor.
Paranoids are people too; they have their own problems. It's easy to criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid too.
Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked into jet engines.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
Change is inevitable....except from vending machines.
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.
The Center for Disease Control has issued a warning about a new
virulent
strain of Sexually Transmitted Disease. The disease is contracted
through
dangerous and high-risk behavior. The disease is called Gonorrhea
Lectim
pronounced "gonna re-elect him." Many victims contracted it in 2004,
after
having been screwed for the past four years. Cognitive characteristics
of
individuals infected include: anti- social personality disorders,
delusions of grandeur with messianic overtones, extreme cognitive
dissonance, inability to incorporate new information, pronounced
xenophobia
and paranoia, inability to accept responsibility for own actions,
cowardice
masked by misplaced bravado, uncontrolled facial smirking, ignorance
of
geography and history, tendencies towards evangelical theocracy,
categorical
all-or-nothing behavior. Naturalists and epidemiologists are amazed at
how
this destructive disease originated only a few years ago from a bush
found
in Texas.
Observations on Life
Have you ever noticed, anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is.
I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain. - Carol Leifer
The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day you're off it. - Jackie Gleason
I went into a restaraunt yesterday and said, "I'd like some fries." The kid at the counter said, "Would you like some fries with that?" - Jay Leno
The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be caught dead in otherwise. - Roger Simon
I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets. - Dave Edison
If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight. - George Gobel
Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate the shirt to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for seventy-five cents. - Billiam Coronel
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants. - A. Whitney Brown
If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base. - Dave Barry
Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself. - Mark Twain
Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait. - A. Whitney Brown
My mom said she learned how to swim. Someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. That's how she learned how to swim. I said, "Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim." - Paula Poundstone
I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be, but I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners. - Jeff Stilson
Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives. - Sue Murphy
I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up something else. - Lily Tomlin
Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: "This looks much better on." On what? On fire? - Rita Rudner
Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end. - Jerry Seinfeld
I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, "Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go West."- --Richard Jeni
Some are dupes:
Great quotes by comedians
"If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the
video camera and come help me."
--Bobcat Goldthwait
"I've been doing the Fonda workout: the Peter Fonda workout. That's
where I wake up, take a hit of acid, smoke a joint, and run to my
sister's house and ask her for money."
--Kevin Meaney
"My mom said she learned how to swim. Someone took her out in the lake
and threw her off the boat. That's how she learned how to swim. I said,
'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.' "
--Paula Poundstone
"In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a
single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall
people burn slower?"
--Warren Hutcherson
"I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every
other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the
locks, they are always locking three."
--Elayne Boosler
"Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?"
--John Mendoza
"Today I met with a subliminal advertising executive for just a second."
--Steven Wright
"Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we should treat
it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they
should give you two weeks' notice. There should beseverance pay, and
before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp."
--Bob Ettinger
"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills
than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh."
--Conan O'Brien
"I haven't taken my Christmas lights down. They look so nice on the
pumpkin."
--Winston Spear
"Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's
how dogs spend their lives."
--Sue Murphy
"My grandfather's a little forgetful, but he likes to give me advice. One
day, he took me aside and left me there."
--Ron Richards
"I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up
something else."
--Lily Tomlin
"USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four
people make up 75 percent of the population."
--David Letterman
"Chihuahua. There's a waste of dog food. Looks like a dog that is still
far away."
--Billiam Coronell
"I was a vegetarian until I started leaning towards sunlight."
--Rita Rudner
"I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific."
--Lily Tomlin
"The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war.
Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little
Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there.
Corkscrews. Bottle openers. 'Come on, buddy, let's go. You get past me,
the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off. I've got the toe
clippers right here.'"
--Jerry Seinfeld
"I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed
it."
--Steven Wright
"I don't kill flies but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them
above globes. They freak out and yell, 'Whoa, I'm way too high!' "
--Bruce Baum
"I met a new girl at a barbecue, very pretty, a blond I think. I don't
know, her hair was on fire, and all she talked about was herself. You
know these kind of girls: 'I'm hot. I'm on fire. Me, me, me.' You know.
'Help me, put me out.' Come on, could we talk about me just a little
bit?"
--Garry Shandling
"I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York
said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't
cold enough. Let's go west.'"
--Richard Jeni
"Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."
--Paul Rodriguez
"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my
fishburger and I realize, Oh my God....I could be eating a slow learner."
--Lynda Montgomery
Bartering
In Morocco, a Jew and an Arab shared a farm. Times got hard and they decided they had to slit up. But how to divide the assets was a problem: All they had left was a goat, a cow, and a hen.
"I know," said the Arab, "You take the hen, and I'll take the goat and the cow."
The Jew refused.
"OK then, you take the goat and I'll take the cow and the hen."
Still his Jewish partner refused.
"OK," suggested the Arab, "let's eat the cow now, then I'll have the goat and you have the hen."
Still the Jew refused.
"I'll tell you what," said the Jew, "you can have the goat if you like, and the cow and I will take the hen."
Save men jokes for editing
WINTER CLASSES FOR MEN AT
THE LEARNING CENTER FOR ADULTS
REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED BY Monday, Jan. 16 , 2006
NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.
Class 1
How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays --- Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM .
Class 2
The Toilet Paper Roll --- Does It Change Itself?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.
Class 3
Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and
Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub? --- Group Practice.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.
Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor ---
Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.
Class 5
After Dinner Dishes --- Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
at 7:00 PM
Class 6
Loss Of Identity --- Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other.
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM
Class 7
Learning How To Find Things --- Starting With Looking In The Right Places
And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming.
Open Forum .
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.
Class 8
Health Watch --- Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health.
Graphics and Audio Tapes.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.
Class 9
Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost --- Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.
Class 10
Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks?
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.
Class 11
Learning to Live --- Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife.
Online Classes and role-playing .
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined
Class 12
How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion
Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.
Class 13
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy --- Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late.
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.
Class 14
The Stove/Oven --- What It Is and How It Is Used.
Live Demonstration.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.
Upon completion of any of the above courses,
diplomas will be issued to the survivors.
Send this to all the guys that you think can stand the heat, and to all the ladies for
the best chuckle of their day
Bits of Wisdom
*************************
Love is grand !
Divorce is a hundred grand.
*************************
I am in shape.
Round is a shape.
*************************
Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
***************************
Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels good.
***************** **********
Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.
***************************
Even if you are on the right track,
You'll get run over if you just sit there.
***************************
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.
***************************
An optimist thinks this is the best possible world.
A pessimist fears this is true.
**************************
There will always be death and taxes;
However, death doesn't get worse every year.
***************************
In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.
***************************
I am a nutritional overachiever. NOT.... lol
***************************
I plan on living forever. So far, so good.
***************************
Practice safe eating -- always use condiments.
***************************
A day without sunshine is like night.
***************************
It's frustrating when you know all the answers,
But nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
***************************
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
***************************
Brain cells come and brain cells go,
But fat cells live forever.
***************************
Age doesn't always bring wisdom.
Sometimes it comes alone.
***************************
Life not only begins at forty,
It also begins to show.
******************* *******
WINTER CLASSES FOR MEN AT
THE LEARNING CENTER FOR ADULTS
REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED BY Monday, Jan. 16 , 2006
NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.
Class 1
How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays --- Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM .
Class 2
The Toilet Paper Roll --- Does It Change Itself?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.
Class 3
Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and
Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub? --- Group Practice.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.
Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor ---
Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.
Class 5
After Dinner Dishes --- Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
at 7:00 PM
Class 6
Loss Of Identity --- Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other.
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM
Class 7
Learning How To Find Things --- Starting With Looking In The Right Places
And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming.
Open Forum .
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.
Class 8
Health Watch --- Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health.
Graphics and Audio Tapes.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.
Class 9
Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost --- Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.
Class 10
Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks?
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.
Class 11
Learning to Live --- Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife.
Online Classes and role-playing .
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined
Class 12
How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion
Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.
Class 13
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy --- Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late.
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.
Class 14
The Stove/Oven --- What It Is and How It Is Used.
Live Demonstration.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.
Upon completion of any of the above courses,
diplomas will be issued to the survivors.
Send this to all the guys that you think can stand the heat, and to all the ladies for
the best chuckle of their day
DICTIONARY FOR DECODING WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS:
40-ish................................49.
Adventurous...................Slept with everyone.
Athletic...............................No breasts.
Average looking....................Moooo.
Beautiful...........................Pathological liar.
Emotionally Secure................On medication.
Feminist................................Fat.
Free spirit............................Junkie.
Friendship first......................Former slut.
New-Age.............Body hair in the wrong places.
Old-fashioned.......................No BJs.
Open-minded.......................Desperate.
Outgoing.......................Loud and Embarrassing.
Professional..........................Bitch.
Voluptuous..........................Very Fat.
Large frame.........................Hugely Fat.
Wants Soul mate..................Stalker.
WOMEN'S ENGLISH:
1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry = You'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = You're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = You better not
8. Do what you want = You will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = Of course, I am upset, you moron!
10. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think
about?
MEN'S ENGLISH:
1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = Let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you.
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you.
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you.
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you.
11. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay
Dirty Jokes:
A son was placing his father into a nursing home. "Please don't put me in there son!" cried the old man. The son said, "Pop, I can't take care of you & work too. I've checked the place out & it is the best one there is. I think you'll love it." The next day the father called his son & said, "Son, you were right! I LOVE this place it is so great here. Thank you so much for making the decision!" "That's swell dad," said the son. "What makes it so great?" "Well" replied the dad, "Last night I was in my room & from out of nowhere, I got an erection. A nurse came in, saw me & gave me a blowjob! I haven't had one of those in 30 or 40 years! I'd almost forgotten what it was like! It was fantastic!" "That's great dad," said the son. A few days later the father called his son again & said "You have to get me out of here! I hate this place! I can't live here any more!" "What's wrong pop?" asked the son. "Last night I fell down in the hallway. I was getting up & when I was on my hands & knees, a male nurse came along & sodomized me! I CAN NOT and WILL NOT live like this!" The son said, "Dad, I know that's terrible and we'll get it straightened out, but until then, you have to understand, we have to take the good with the bad. Just hang in there". "No son" said the dad. "You don't understand! I get an erection maybe once a year! I fall down two or three times a day!!!!!"
A cowboy was taken prisoner by a bunch of Indians. The Indians were all prepared to kill him when the chief announced that due to the celebration of the Great Spirit, they would grant the cowboy three wishes before he would die. "What do you want for your first wish?" asks the chief.
"I wanna talk to mah horse!" says the cowboy. He goes over to his horse and whispers in its ear. The horse neighs, rears back, and takes off at full speed. About an hour later, the horse comes back with a naked lady on its back. Well, the Indians are very impressed, so they let the cowboy use one of their teepees. A little while later, the cowboy stumbles out of the teepee, tucking in his shirt. "What do you want for your second wish?" says the chief.
"I wanna talk to mah horse!" says the cowboy. Again, the cowboy whispers in the horses ear. The horse neighs, rears back, and takes off at full speed. About an hour later, the horse comes back with another naked lady on its back. Well, the Indians are very impressed indeed. So, once again, they let the cowboy use one of their teepees. The cowboy stumbles out a little while later, and the chief asks the cowboy "What do you want for your last wish?"
"I wanna talk to mah horse!" says the cowboy. He grabs the horse by the ears and yells,
"You stupid animal, I said POSSE, POSSE!!!!"
Joe rents an apartment in New York, and goes to the lobby to put his name on the group mailbox. While he was there, an attractive young lady comes out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe.
Joe smiles at the young girl and she strikes up a conversation with him. As they talk, her robe slips open, and it's quite obvious that she has nothing under the robe.
Poor Joe breaks out into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she places her hand on his arm and says, "Let's go in my apartment, I hear someone coming..."
He proceeds with her into the apartment, and after she closes the door, she leans against it allowing her robe to fall off completely.
Being completely nude, she purrs at him, "What would you say is my best feature?" The flustered, embarrassed Joe stammers, clears his throat several times, and finally squeaks out, "Oh, it's got to be your ears!"
She's astounded! "Why my ears? Look at these breasts! They're full, don't sag, and they're 100% natural! My buns - they're firm and don't sag, and have no cellulite! Look at this skin, no blemishes or scars! Why in heaven's name would you say my ears are the best part of my body?!"
Clearing his throat once again, Joe stammers - "Outside when you said you heard someone coming? That was me."
Joe is shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally finds one for a great price, but it's missing a seal, so whenever it rains he has to smear vaseline over the spot where the seal should be or else it won't start.
Anyway, his girlfriend is having him over for dinner to meet her parents. He drives his new bike to her house, where she is outside waiting for him. "No matter what happens at dinner tonight, don't say a word." She tells him, "Our family had a fight a while ago about doing dishes. We haven't done any since, but the first person to speak at dinner has to do them."
Joe sits down for dinner and it is just how she described it. Dishes are piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen, and nobody is saying a word. So Joe decides to have a little fun. He grabs his girlfriend throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.
A few minutes later he grabs her mom, throws her on the table and does a repeat performance. Now his girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, and her mother is a little happier. But still there is complete silence at the table.
All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Joe remembers his motorcycle. He jumps up and grabs his jar of vaseline. Upon witnessing this, his girlfriend's father backs away from the table and screams,
"OKAY, ENOUGH ALREADY, I'LL DO THE FUCKING DISHES!!"
There are these two friends, a white guy and a black guy. One evening, they`re in a bar arguing over which of them can have sex the most times in one night. They decide to settle the issue by going to the local whorehouse and gathering experimental evidence, as it were.
So they get to the whorehouse, pair off with a couple of the ladies, and go to their respective rooms. The white guy energetically balls his whore and, reaching up with a pencil, makes a "| " mark on the wall. Then he falls asleep.
He wakes up in a couple of hours and screws the whore again, albeit a little less enthusiastically this time. Again, he reaches back and marks a " | " on the wall. Again, he falls asleep.
He wakes up again in a couple of hours and lethargically humps the hooker again. He drowsily marks another " | " on the wall and falls asleep for the rest of the night.
The next morning, the black guy barges into the white guy`s room to see how he did. He takes one look at the wall and exclaims, "A hundred and eleven?! You beat me by three!"
A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the restroom. A few minutes later, a loud, bloodcurdling scream is heard. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar. The bartender goes to investigate why the drunk is screaming. "What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring my customers! "I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes my nuts." With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says, "You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!"
This guy just started at his new job, working at a porno shop. His boss comes out and tell him that he has to leave for a while, and asks if he can handle it. The new employee is somewhat reluctant, but with the boss's positive comments he finally agrees. A few minutes later a white woman walks in and asks, "How much for the white dildo?" He answers, "$35." She: "How much for the black one?" He: "$35 for the black one, they are the same price." She: "I think I'll take the black one. I've never had a black one before." She pays him, and off she goes.
A little bit later a black woman comes in and asks "How much for the blackdildo?" He: "$35." She: "How much for the white one?" He: "$35 for the white one also, they are the same price." She: "Hmmm...I think I'll take the white one. I've never had a white one before..." She pays him, and off she goes.
About an hour later a young blonde woman comes in and asks, "How much are your dildos?" He: "$35 for the white, $35 for the black." She: "Hmmmmm....how much is that plaid one on the shelf?" He: "Well, that's a very special dildo...it'll cost you $150." She thinks for a moment and answers, "I'll take the plaid one, I've never had a plaid one before...." She pays him, and off she goes.
Finally, the guy's boss returns and asks, "How did you do while I wasgone?" The salesman responded, "I think I did pretty good, I sold one white dildo, one black dildo, and I sold your thermos for $150!"
A cowboy is riding on the plains. He comes across an Indian buck naked lying on his back with a hugh errection.
Digusted he asked "What in the hell are you doing?"
The Indians looked at the shadow of his dick and said "It's 1:0pm."
The cowboy rode on. Soon he ran into another Indian. He was lying on his back naked with a hugh errection. The cowboy again asked "What in the hell are you doing"?
The Indian looked at the shadow and said "It's now 2:30 pm".
The cowboy rode on. Later he came upon third Indian. He was lying on his back buck naked wacking himself off.
The cowboy asked "Jesus Christ! What are you doing?"
The indian replied "I'm winding my watch."
On a Trans-Atlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it.
Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die!" she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable! I've had plenty of sex in my life, but no one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well I've had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN??"
For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril,and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.
Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel like a woman," he says. He was gourgeous. Tall, built, with long, flowing black hair and jet black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle,unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. No one moves. The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the strange man approaches. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman,and whispers: "Iron
A man was in a doctors office and the doctor walked in and said, ok what do you need today sir. The man pulled down his pants and showed the doctor his beat up, bruised, and bleading penis. The doctor said, damn how did you do that? The man said well I live in a trailor, and every night I have noticed that the woman in the trailor next to mine at exactally 9:00pm, she moves her rug where there is a hole in the floor, she sticks a hot dog in the hole and masterbates with it. So one day I got an idea at 8:45pm I would go under her trailor and when she put the hot dog in the hole I would pull it out and stick my penis in the hole. So that night I did, and it was going great untill someone knocked on the door and she tried to kick it under the oven!
An old lady in a nursing home is wheeling up and down the halls in her wheelchair making sounds like she's driving a car. As she's going down the hall an old man jumps out of a room and says, "Excuse me ma'am but you were speeding." "Can I see your driver's license?"
She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a candy wrapper, and hands it to him. He looks it over, gives her a warning and sends her on her way.
Up and down the halls she goes again. Again, the same old man jumps out of a room and says, "Excuse me ma'am but I saw you cross over the center line back there." "Can I see your registration please?"
She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a store receipt and hands it to him. He looks it over, gives her another warning and sends her on her way.
She zooms off again up and down the halls weaving all over. As she comes to the old man's room again he jumps out. He's stark naked and has an erection!
The old lady in the wheel chair looks up and says, "Oh no-not the Breathalyzer again!"
Word started getting out about Snow White's mirror and people really started getting the idea of wanting to inquire of the mirror themselves. Sleeping Beauty wanted to know if she really was the most beautiful of all.
Tom Thumb wanted to make sure he really was the smallest person.
Quasimodo wanted to know that he was the ugliest. So they each went before the mirror.
As Sleeping Beauty was leaving she said "Oh, I really *am* the most beautiful of all!"
As Tom Thumb left he was quite pleased to know that he is indeed the smallest of all.
As Quasimodo left, he exclaimed "Who the heck is Janet Reno?"
A young girl walks in on her parents having sex. She asks, "Mum, what are you doing to Dad?"
Mum replies, "I was just letting the air out of him - he's too fat."
The little girl replies, "Why, the lady next door is just going to blow him up again."
A woman orders a chicken sandwhich and starts to choke. People are running frantically, trying to figure out what to do. Two homosexuals sitting in the corner wisper to each other and run in front of the choking lady. One strips out of his overalls, bends over butt naked in front of his friend. His friend proceeds to lick the other's ass.
Upon seeing this, the lady vomits forcing the lodged food from her throat. After making sure the lady is OK, the two homosexuals return to their food.
One turns to the other and says, "Wow, that hind-lick manuever really works!"
one day a hippy gets on a bus full of nuns. he looks around and see's one that is looking particularily good. after he popped a stiffy he went up to the nun and said I want to fu** you.
No replied the nun I am a woman of the lord i will never sleep with you
The hippy was really depressed, but on his way off the bus the bus driver told him that the nun goes to the church to pray everynight at midnight. all he had to do was get a god mask and tell her to screw him.
at exactly midnight the hippy spotted the nun go into the church, he put on his mask and said I am god fu** me.
the nun then replied only in the ass though. the hippy agreed and they got it on for hours.
when they were done the hippy took off his mask and shouted "ha, ha" I'm the hippy the nun then took off her mask and said "ha ha" I'm the bus driver.
There's two farmers on a farm, and they just got a new animal. One farmers
outside, and one is inside. The one outside comes in with a big cup of white
liquid. He takes a big drink of it and excitedly says, I just milked the
new cow. Then other farmer, with a troubled look on his face says, we didn't
get a new cow, we got a new bull!
1. First and foremost, we are not obligated to do it.
2. Extension to rule #1 - So if you get one, be grateful.
3. I don't care WHAT they did in the porn video you saw, it is not standard practice to come on someone's face.
4. Extension to rule #3 - No, I DON'T have to swallow.
5. My ears are NOT handles.
6. Extension to rule #5 - do not push on the top of my head. Last I heard, deep throat had been done. And additionally, do you really WANT puke on your dick?
7. I don't care HOW relaxed you get, it is NEVER OK to fart.
8. Having my period does not mean that it's "hummer week" - get it through your head - I'm bloated and I feel like shit so no, I don't feel particularly obligated to blow you just because YOU can't have sex right now.
9. Extension to #8 - "Blue Balls" might have worked on high school girls -if you're that desperate, go jerk off and leave me alone with my Midol.
10. If I have to pause to remove a pubic hair from my teeth, don't tell me I've just "wrecked it" for you.
11. Leaving me in bed while you go play video games, smoke a cigarette,watch tv...ect.... immediately afterwards is highly inadvisable if you would like my behavior to be repeated in the future.
12. If you like how we do it, it's probably best not to speculate about the origins of our talent. Just enjoy the moment and be happy that we're good at it. See also rule #2 about gratitude.
13. No, it doesn't particularly taste good. And I don't care about the protein content.
14. No, I will NOT do it while you watch TV, smoke a cigarette, drink, ect....
15. When you hear your friends complain about how they don't get blow jobs often enough, keep your mouth shut. It is inappropriate to either sympathize or brag.
16. Just because "it's awake" when you get up does not mean I have to "kiss it good morning."
A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.
The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him earnestly.
"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be alright. I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together in his groin.
But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside. She began to massage him. She then asked him "How does that feel?"
He replied "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."
How can you tell when your girlfriend's horny?
You stick your hands in her panties and it feels like you feeding a horse.
A man and his wife decide to play golf but neither is very good so they sign up for lessons.
The man goes to his lesson first. The instructor says, "Show me your swing so I can evaluate you." The man swings and the instructor says, "That was good but you're holding the club too tight. Try holding it gently like you would hold your wife's breasts." The man does so and he hits the ball 250 yards!
Later, the wife goes for her lesson. Again the instructor tells her to show him her swing so that he can evaluate her. She does and he says, "You're also holding the club too tight. Hold like you would hold your husband's dick." She does so and takes her swing. Then the golf instructor says, "Try it again but this time take the club out of your mouth."
Jewbilation (n..) Pride in finding out that one's favorite celebrity is Jewish or that your offspring is marrying a Jewish person. Torahfied (n.) Inability to remember one's lines when called to read from the Torah at one's Bar or Bat Mitzvah. (OR from the Hagadah at Passover) Matzilation (v.) Smashing a piece of matzo to bits while trying to butter it. Bubbegum (n.) Candy one's mother gives to her grandchildren that she never gave to her own children. Chutzpapa (n.) A father who wakes his wife at 4:00 a.m. so she can change the baby's diaper. Deja Nu ( n.) Having the feeling you've seen the same exasperated look on your mother's face, but not knowing exactly when. Disoriyenta (n.) When Aunt Linda gets lost in a department store and strikes up a conversation with everyone she passes. Hebort (v.) To forget all the Hebrew one ever learned immediately after one's Bar or Bat Mitzvah. Jewdo (n.) A traditional form of self-defense based on talking one's way out of a tight spot. Mamatzah Balls (n.) Matzo balls that are as good as your mother used to make.. Meinstein - slang. "My son, the genius!" Mishpochadots (n.) The assorted lipstick and make-up stains found on one's face and collar after kissing all one's aunts and cousins at a reception. Re-shtetlement (n.) Moving from Brooklyn to Miami and finding all your old neighbors live in the same condo building as you. Rosh Hashana-na-na ( n.) A rock 'n roll band from Jewish Brooklyn . Yidentify (v.) To be able to determine Jewish origins of celebrities, even though their names might be St. John , Curtis, Davis or Taylor. Minyastics (n.) Going to incredible lengths and troubles to find a tenth person to complete a Minyan. Feelawful (n.) Indigestion from eating Israeli street food, especially falafel. Dis-kvellified (v.) To drop out of law school, med. school or business school as seen through the eyes of parents, grandparents and Uncle Sid. In extreme cases, simply choosing to major in art history when Irv's son David is majoring in biology is sufficient grounds for diskvellification. Impasta ( n.) A Jew who starts eating leavened foods before the end of Passover. Kinders Shlep (v.) To transport other kids besides yours in your car. Schmuckluck (n.) Finding out one's wife became pregnant after one had a vasectomy. Shofarsogut (n.) The relief you feel when, after many attempts, the shofar is finally blown at the end of Yom Kippur. Trayffic Accident (n.) An appetizer one finds out has pork in it.
(Heard any good jokes lately?)
Ok, so here’s a joke to “bridge” the Cookbook and the Jokebook (and explain the connection):
A Jewish Grandmother's 21 Steps To the Proper Preparation of Gefilte Fish
1. Two weeks before a major Jewish holiday, call your daughter and ask her what she plans to serve at the festive meal. Express your outrage when she suggests serving doctored up canned gefilte fish. Offer to make the fish yourself. 2. Suggest that your daughter take a day off from work so that she can watch you make the fish, so she'll know how to do it for her kids after she has put you in The Home. Two days before the holiday, call your daughter and tell her that you hate to disappoint her but you simply don't have the strength to make gefilte fish. 3. While your daughter is racing all over looking for a substitute appetizer, get all dressed up and take a bus...and a subway...and another bus... 4. ...to an obscure fish store in a slum where they still sell LIVE CARP. 5. Examine the carp swimming in the fish tank. Ask the owner if any fresher carp will be arriving soon. 6. On principle, reject the first two fish that he offers you. 7. Accept the third or fourth. Allow him to fillet and skin the carp but NEVER let him put your fish near his electric grinder. Far be it from you to accuse someone unjustly, but you know he has ground dead carp in it. 8. Lugging three heavy shopping bags filled with fish, take three buses home, unless someone has told you about a way of taking four. 9. Call your daughter and tell her that you felt a little bit better and decided to go to your special fish store to pick up the carp. You know how busy she is right before the holidays so you didn't want to ask her to drive all the way out there. 10. Tell her how exhausted you are and describe in detail the assassin who tried to steal your pocketbook as you were boarding the second bus. Inquire whether your daughter would mind picking you up. You normally wouldn't ask but it's much easier to make the gefilte fish in her kitchen because she has all the latest electric gadgets. 11. Remove several washed mixing bowls from your daughter's dishwasher and then rinse them to make sure they are clean. 12. There should be a separate bowl for each ingredient so that dirt from the carrots will not get on the celery. Put the diced carrots in one bowl, the sliced celery in the second, the chopped onions in the third and then combine them all in a fourth bowl. Ask your daughter to stop whatever she is doing and come and watch you. 13. Eye your daughter's food processor with suspicion. Ask her to help you operate it. Chop the carp in it for 15 seconds, then move all the ingredients into your ancient wooden chopping bowl. 14. Rev up those Hadassah arms and attack the ingredients with a dull bladed hockmesser for 90 minutes. Demand that your daughter acknowledge the superiority of your withered arm over a horsepower motor. 15. Place your hand on your chest and moan. Accept your daughter's offer to help. Give her the bowl and the hockmesser. 16. Twelve seconds later, snatch the bowl and chopper out of your daughter's hands. Tell her to watch carefully so she'll be more of a help next year. Pulverize the fish with your chopper for another 52 minutes. 17. On the bottom of a cast-iron pot with a non-matching lid (rescued by your mother during a pogrom and brought in steerage to America), arrange slices of carrots, onions, celery, fish heads, skin and bones. 18. Form the chopped fish mush into oval patties and lay them gently on top of the ingredients in the pot. 19. Add liquid and seasonings, bring the pot to a boil, lower to simmer, cover the pot and let the fish cook until they're ready and taste good...but not as good as last year's. 20. After the patties cool, arrange them on a beautiful serving platter for your daughter and her guests. Dump the heads, skin and bones in a chipped bowl for yourself. Practice saying that the heads and the bones are the tastiest portions until you sound convincing.
A Gabbai approaches a guest in Shul and says, "I 'd like to give you an Aliyah. What is your name?"
The man answers, "Esther ben Moshe."
The Gabbai says, "No, I need YOUR name."
"It's Esther ben Moshe," the man says.
"How can that be your name?" asks the Gabbai.
The man answers, "I've been having financial problems, so everything now is in my wife's name."
How many members of the Bush Administration are needed to change a light bulb?
The Answer is TEN:
1. one to deny that the light bulb needs to be changed,
2. one to attack the patriotism of anyone who says the light bulb needs to be changed,
3. one to blame Clinton for burning out the light bulb,
4. one to tell the nations of the world that they are either for changing the light bulb or for darkness,
5. one to give a billion dollar no-bid contract to Haliburton for the new light bulb,
6. one to arrange a photograph of Bush, dressed as a janitor, standing on a step ladder under the banner -- Lightbulb Change Accomplished,
7. one administration insider to resign and write a book documenting in detail how Bush was literally in the dark,
8. one to viciously smear #7,
9. one surrogate to campaign on TV and at rallies on how George Bush has had a strong light-bulb changing policy all along,
10. and finally one to confuse Americans about the difference between screwing a light bulb and screwing the country
This one is dedicated to Uncle Lenny (the best actor since Tomashevsky):
Moishe, a Jewish actor is so down and out, he's ready to take any acting gig
that he can find.
Finally, he gets a lead, a classified ad that says, "Actor needed to play an
ape."
"I could do that," says Moishe.
To his surprise, the employer turns out to be the Central Park Zoo in New
York.
Owing to the mismanagement, the zoo has spent so much money renovating the
grounds and improving the habitat, they can no longer afford to import the
ape to replace the recently deceased one, so, until they can, they'll put an
actor in an ape suit.
Out of desperation, Moishe takes the offer.
A! t first, his conscience keeps nagging him, that he is being dishonest by
fooling the zoo-goers. Moishe also feels undignified in the ape suit, stared
at by the crowds who watch his every move.
But after a few days on the job, he begins to enjoy all the attention and
starts to put on a show for all the zoo-goers.
Moishe hangs upside down from the branches by his legs, swinging about on
the vines, climbing up the cage walls and roaring with all his might, while
beating on his chest.
Soon, he's drawing a sizable crowd.
One day, when Moishe is swing on the vines to show off to a group of school
kids, his hand slips and he goes flying over the fence into the neighboring
cage, the lion's den.
Terrified, Moishe backs up as far from the approaching lion as he can,
covers his eyes and prays at the top of his lungs, "Shama Yisroel Adonoi
Elaheinu, Adonoi Echud!"
The lion opens his powerful jaws and roars the response, "Baruch Shem K'vod
Malchuso! L'olam Va'ed"
From a nearby cage, a panda yells, "Shut up you schmucks, you'll get us all
fired!"
Clubbed (dedicated to Billy):
Wife to Norm: "What's your excuse for coming home at this time of the night?"
Norm to wife: "Golfing with friends, my dear."
Wife to Norm: "What? At 2 a.m?!"
Norm to wife: "Yes. We used night clubs!"
Hospital room
Two men, both seriously ill, occupied the same hospital room. One man was
> allowed to sit up in his bed for an hour each afternoon to help drain the
> fluid from his lungs. His bed was next to the room's only window. The other man
> had to spend all his time flat on his back. The men talked for hours on end.
> They spoke of their wives and families, their homes, their jobs, their
> involvement in the military service, where they had been on vacation.
> Every afternoon when the man in the bed by the window could sit up, he
> would pass the time by describing to his roommate all the things he could see
> outside the window.
> The man in the other bed began to live for those one hour periods where his
> world would be broadened and enlivened by all the activity and color of the
> world outside.
> The window overlooked a park with a lovely lake. Ducks and swans played on
> the water while children sailed their model boats. Young lovers walked arm in
> arm amidst flowers of every color and a fine view of the city skyline could
> be seen in the distance.
> As the man by the window described all this in exquisite detail, the man on
> the other side of the room would close his eyes and imagine the picturesque
> scene.
> One warm afternoon the man by the window described a parade passing by.
> Although the other man couldn't hear the band - he could see it. In his
> mind's eye as the gentleman by the window portrayed it with descriptive words.
> Days and weeks passed.
> One morning, the day nurse arrived to bring water for their baths only to
> find the lifeless body of the man by the window, who had died peacefully in
> his sleep. She was saddened and called the hospital attendants to take the body
> away.
> As soon as it seemed appropriate, the other man asked if he could be moved
> next to the window. The nurse was happy to make the switch, and after making
> sure he was comfortable, she left him alone.
> Slowly, painfully, he propped himself up on one elbow to take his first
> look at the real world outside.
> He strained to slowly turn to look out the window beside the bed.
> It faced a blank wall. The man asked the nurse what could have compelled
> his deceased roommate who had described such wonderful things outside this
> window
> The nurse responded that the man was blind and could not even see the wall.
>
> She said, "Perhaps he just wanted to encourage you."
> Epilogue:
> There is tremendous happiness in making others happy, despite our own
> situations.
> Shared grief is half the sorrow, but happiness when shared, is doubled.
> If you want to feel rich, just count all the things you have that money
> can't buy.
> "Today is a gift, that's why it is called the present."
> The origin of this letter is unknown, but it brings good luck to everyone
> who passes it on.
> Do not keep this letter.
> Just forward it to your friends to whom you wish blessings.
New Medications for Women Only
DAMNITOL Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 hours.
ST. MOMMA'S WORT Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours.
EMPTYNESTROGEN Highly effective suppository that eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out.
PEPTOBIMBO Liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and improves flirting.
DUMBEROL When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country western music.
FLIPITOR Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.
PENISCILLIN Potent antiboyotic for older women. Increases resistance to such lines as,"You make me want to be a better person ... can we get naked now?"
BUYAGRA Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency and duration of spending spree.
Extra Strength BUY-ONE-AL When combined with Buyagra, can cause an indiscriminate buying frenzy so severe the victim may even come home with a Donnie Osmond CD or a book by Dr. Laura.
JACKASSPIRIN Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number.
ANTI-TALKSIDENT A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers.
SEXCEDRIN More effective than Excedrin in creating the, "Not now, dear, I have a headache" syndrome.
NAGAMENT When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation as nagging him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself.
An elderly Chinese woman had two large pots, each hung on the ends of a
> > pole, that she carried on her shoulders. One of the pots had a crack in it while
> > the other pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion of water. At
> > the end of the long walk from the stream to the house, the cracked pot arrived
> > only half full.
> >
> > For a full two years this went on daily, with the woman bringing home only
> > one and a half pots of water.
> >
> > Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments. But the poor
> > cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection, and miserable that it could
> > only do half of what it had been made to do.
> >
> > After 2 years of what it perceived to be bitter failure, it spoke to the
> > woman one day by the stream. "I am ashamed of myself, because this crack in my
> > side causes water to leak out all the way back to your house."
> >
> > The old woman smiled, "Did you not notice that there are flowers on your
> > side of the path, but not on the other pot's side? That's because I have always
> > known about your flaw, so I planted flower seeds on your side of the path,
> > and every day while we walk back, you water them. For two years I have been
> > able to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate the table. Without you being
> > just the way you are, there would not be this beauty to grace the house.
> >
> > Each of us has our own unique flaw. But it's the cracks and flaws we each
> > have that make our lives together so very interesting and rewarding. To be
> > truly happy, you must take each person for what they are and by looking for the
> > good in them.
> >
> > So, to all of my crackpot friends and relatives, remember to smell the
> > flowers on your side of the path!
Fortune Cookies
Man who run in front of car get tired.
>>*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>>Man who run behind car get exhausted.
>>*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>>Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok
>>*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>>Man with one chopstick go hungry.
>>*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>>Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.
>>*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>>Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
>>*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>>Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
>>*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>>Panties not best thing on earth! But next to best thing on earth.
>>*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>>War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
>>*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>>Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
>>*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>>Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
>>*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>>It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
>>*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>>Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
>>*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>>Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
>>*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>>Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
>>*~ *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>>Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
>>*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>>Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
>>*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>>Crowded elevator smell different to midget.
>>*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Makes Cents
A man consults a therapist and states, "Doc, I'm suicidal. What should I do?"
The doctor replies, "Pay in advance."
ZEN JUDAISM
If there is no self,
whose arthritis is this?
Be here now.
Be someplace else later.
Is that so complicated?
Drink tea and nourish life.
With the first sip... joy.
With the second... satisfaction.
With the third, peace.
With the fourth, a danish.
Wherever you go, there you are.
Your luggage is another story.
Accept misfortune as a blessing.
Do not wish for perfect health
or a life without problems.
What would you talk about?
The journey of a thousand miles
begins with a single "oy."
There is no escaping karma.
In a previous life, you never called,
you never wrote, you never visited.
And whose fault was that?
Zen is not easy.
It takes effort to attain nothingness.
And then what do you have?
Bupkes.
The Tao does not speak.
The Tao does not blame.
The Tao does not take sides.
The Tao has no expectations.
The Tao demands nothing of others.
The Tao is not Jewish.
Breathe in. Breathe out.
Breathe in. Breathe out.
Forget this and attaining Enlightenment
will be the least of your problems.
Let your mind be as a floating cloud.
Let your stillness be as the wooded glen.
And sit up straight. You'll never meet the
Buddha with such rounded shoulders.
Be patient and achieve all things.
Be impatient and achieve all things faster.
To Find the Buddha, look within.
Deep inside you are ten thousand flowers.
Each flower blossoms ten thousand times.
Each blossom has ten thousand petals.
You might want to see a specialist.
To practice Zen and the art of Jewish
motorcycle maintenance, do the following:
get rid of the motorcycle.
What were you thinking?
Be aware of your body.
Be aware of your perceptions.
Keep in mind that not every physical
sensation is a symptom of a terminal illness.
The Torah says, "Love thy neighbor as thyself."
The Buddha says there is no "self."
So, maybe you are off the hook.
Though only your skin, sinews, and bones remain,
though your blood and flesh dry up and wither away,
yet shall you meditate and not stir until you have
attained full Enlightenment.
But, first, a little nosh.
A True Story:
When everybody on earth was dead and waiting to enter Paradise, God
>appeared and said, "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the
>men who were true heads of their household and the other line for the
>men who were dominated by their women. I want all the women to report to
>St Peter."
>
> Soon, the women were gone and there were two lines of men. The
>line of the men who were dominated by their wives was 100 miles long,
>and in the line of men who truly were heads of their household, there
>was only one man.
>
> God said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created
>you to be the head of your household. You have been disobedient and not
>fulfilled your purpose. I told you to be the spiritual leader in your
>family. Of all of you only one obeyed. Learn from him. Tell them, my
>son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"
>
> The man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."
THINGS I KNOW THAT I DIDN'T LEARN IN HEBREW SCHOOL
1. The High Holidays have absolutely nothing to do with marijuana.
2. Where there's smoke, there may be salmon.
3. No meal is complete without leftovers.
4. According to Jewish dietary law, pork and shellfish may be eaten only
in Chinese restaurants.
5. A schmata is a dress that your husband's ex is wearing.
6. You need 10 men for a minion, but only four in polyester pants and
white shoes for pinochle.
7. One mitzvah can change the world; two will just make you tired.
8. After the destruction of the Second temple, God created Loehmann's.
9. Anything worth saying is worth repeating a thousand times.
10. Never take a front row seat at a Bris.
11. Next year in Jerusalem. The year after that, how about a nice cruise?
12. Never leave a restaurant empty handed.
13. Spring ahead, fall back, winters in Boca.
14. WASP's leave and never say good bye; Jews say goodbye and never leave.
15. Always whisper the names of diseases.
16. If it tastes good, it's probably not kosher.
17. The important Jewish holidays are the ones on which alternate side
of the street parking is suspended.
18. Without Jewish mothers, who would need therapy?
19. If you have to ask the price, you can't afford it. But if you can
Afford it, make sure to tell everybody what you paid.
20. Laugh now, but one day you'll be driving a Lexus and eating dinner
at 4:00 PM in Florida.
Personal anecdotes (sample from Maria):
Passover Jewku
On Passover we opened door for Elijah.
Now our cat is gone.
Dear Danny,
I cannot remember any recipes but the stories are very dear and some very funny. We laughed at some pretty silly things as women sometimes do. One time we had walked Sade in Riverside Park and we got into Sylvana's car, Sade in back and panting, and I said to Sylvana, "Syl, Sade's breath smells like poop!" Sylvana laughed and said, "Yes, it is. She eats it in the Park!" One time we went to the beach near her parents' apartment and I brought a folding chair/lounge because I didn't like to get sand all over me. Sylvana always told me I was a prima donna. Anyway, we had Sade and we set ourselves up in the sand, Sylvana loved to lie on a towel on the sand and I liked to lie on a towel on my chair/lounge. Sade went under my chair and began digging a big hole which caused my chair to collapse and I rolled into the sand. Sylvia was hysterical laughing for a long time. We spent the rest of our time trying to get Sade to not eat other sunbathers' food as she joyfully pounced on the blankets of anyone who had any food. Then we went to visit Esther and Sam and Mitchel was there and I remember that Esther gave us some delicious honeydew melon. We stayed and visited with them and then went to visit Billy and Orna and the kids. I don't think Dean was born yet. I always had a great time running around with Sylvia. Mostly we went to the beach and the flea markets and to visit the house in Rockaway and to visit family. She always knew the best flea markets and always bought a lot of stuff I windered what she would do with it and she always said, "One of the kids will love this." Her car was always full of things from the discount stores for the kids and she always offered some of her bargains to me. She was so generous with everything. I never knew what new bargains she had found but she found them almost daily in Weber's or Odd Jobs or the flea market. She was sad to hear that Weber's closed.
I will write some more later as it is 2am and I must sleep. I hope you and Charlotte and Max had a great summer and I will see you at Tyler's barmitzvah on the boat. It sounds like great fun and a wonderful time. Take care. I must set up an appointment with Charlotte one of these days so I can set up something with my small worth to leave for my nieces. Enjoy the end of August and I send you lots of love.
Maria
xoxoxo
Joke from Dr. Mike:
HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
(1) You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like
sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the
chips and dip coming.
-- Alan, age 10
(2) No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to
marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who
you're stuck with.
-- Kirsten, age 10
WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
(1) Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by
then.
-- Camille, age 10
(2) No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get
married.
-- Freddie, age 6 (very wise for his age)
HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
(1) You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at
the same kids.
- Derrick, age 8
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE
IN COMMON?
(1) Both don't want any more kids.
-- Lori, age 8
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
(1) Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know
each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
-- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)
(2) On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually
gets
them interested enough to go for a second date.
-- Martin, age 10
WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
(1) I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the
newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
-- Craig, age 9
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
(1) When they're rich.
-- Pam, age 7
(2) The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't
want to mess with that.
-- Curt, age 7
(3) The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry
them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
-- Howard, age 8
IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
(1) I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing. I'm never
going to have sex with my wife. I don't want to be all grossed out.
-- Theodore, age 8
(2) It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys
need someone to clean up after them.
-- Anita, age 9 (bless you child)
HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
(1) There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
-- Kelvin, age 8
And the # 1 Favorite is........
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
(1) Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a
truck.
-- Ricky, age 10
Here are a few things to think about that you probably have never thought about:
Can you cry under water?
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?
Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?
Why do you have to "put your two cents in" but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"?
Where's that extra penny going to?
Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
What disease did cured ham actually have?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?
If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you?
Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America?
Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.
If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?
Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet soup?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out!"
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
When your photo is taken for your driver's license, why do they tell you to smile? If you are stopped by the police and asked for your license, are you going to be smiling?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?
Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
What do you call male ballerinas?
If Wyle E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?
Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
(Don't forget Baa-Baa Black sheep, Have you any wool?)
Why did you just try singing the songs above?
Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your ass?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride; he sticks his head out the window?
If a light sleeper sleeps with a light on, what does a hard sleeper sleep with?
Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first place?
More Jewish Jokes:
Subject: The Yiddish Parrot
Itzik, a lonely widower, was walking home along Delancy Street one day wishing something wonderful would happen in his life when he passed a pet store and heard a squawking voice shouting out in Yiddish,
"Quawwwwk...vus machts du?" (How're ya doin')
"Yeah, du." (Yeah, you. "du" is pronounced "doo"; it's the equivalent of the French "tu" as used in informal conversations.)
Itzik rubbed his eyes and ears. Couldn't believe it. Perfect Yiddish. The proprietor urged him, "Come in here, fella, and check out this parrot..." Itzik did. An African Grey cocked his little head and said: "Vus? Kenst sprechen Yiddish?" (What? Can you speak Yiddish?)
In a matter of moments, Itzik had placed five hundred dollars on the counter and carried the parrot in his cage away with him. All night he talked with the parrot. In Yiddish. He told the parrot about his father's adventures coming to America. About how beautiful his late wife, Sarah, was when she was a young bride. About his family. About his years of working in the garment district. About Florida. The parrot listened and commented. They shared some walnuts. The parrot told him of living in the pet store, how lonely he would get on the weekends. They both went to sleep.
Next morning, Itzik began to put on his Tfillin (Phyllacteries), all the while saying his prayers. The parrot demanded to know what he was doing and when Itzik explained, the parrot wanted to do the same. Itzik went out and had a miniature set of tfillin hand made for the parrot. The parrot wanted to learn to daven (pray), and learned every prayer. He even wanted to learn to read Hebrew. So Itzik spent weeks and months, sitting and teaching the parrot, teaching him Torah. In time, Itzik came to love and count on the parrot as a friend and fellow Jew.
One morning, on Rosh Hashanah, Itzik rose and got dressed and was about to leave when the parrot demanded to go with him. Itzik explained that Shul (Synagogue) was not a place for a bird, but the parrot made a terrific argument, so Itzik relented and carried the bird to Shul on his shoulder. Needless to say, they made quite a spectacle, and Itzik was questioned by everyone, including the Rabbi and the Cantor. They refused to allow a bird into the building on the High Holy Days, but Itzik persuaded them to let him in this one time, swearing that parrot could daven.
Wagers were made with Itzik. Thousands of dollars were bet that the parrot could NOT daven, could not speak Yiddish or Hebrew, etc. All eyes were on the African Grey during services. The parrot perched on Itzik's shoulder as one prayer and song passed - Itzik heard not a peep from the bird. He began to become annoyed, slapping at his shoulder and mumbling under his breath, "Daven!" Nothing. "Daven...parrot, you can daven, so daven...come on, everyone is looking at you!" Nothing. After Rosh Hashanah services were concluded, Itzik found that he owed his Shul buddies and the Rabbi over four thousand dollars..
He marched home, so upset he said nothing to the parrot. Finally several blocks from the Temple the Parrot began to sing an old Yiddish song, as happy as a lark. Itzik stopped and looked at him. "Why? After I had tfillin made for you and taught you the morning prayers, and taught you to read Hebrew and the Torah. And after you begged me to bring you to Shul on Rosh Hashana, why? WHY?!? Why did you do this to me?" "Itzik, don't be an idiot," the parrot replied. "Think of the odds we'll get on Yom Kippur!"
.
=
Jewish Holidays
As a general principle, Jewish holidays are divided between days on which you must starve and days on which you must overeat. Many Jews observe no fewer than 16 fasts throughout the Jewish year, based on the time-honored principle that even if you are sure that you are ritually purified, you definitely aren't. Though there are many feasts and fasts, there are no holidays requiring light snacking.
Note: Unlike Christians, who simply attend church on special days (e.g. Easter, Christmas, etc.), on Jewish holidays most Jews take the whole day off. This is because Jews, for historical and personal reasons, are more stressed out.
The Diet Guide to the Jewish Holidays:
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Rosh Hashanah -- Feast
Tzom Gedalia -- Fast
Yom Kippur -- More fasting
Sukkot -- Feast
Hashanah Rabbah -- More feasting
Simchat Torah -- Keep feasting
Month of Heshvan -- No feasts or fasts for a whole month. Get a grip on yourself.
Hanukkah -- Eat potato pancakes
Tenth of Tevet -- Do not eat potato pancakes
Tu B'Shevat -- Feast
Fast of Esther -- Fast
Purim -- Eat pastry
Passover -- Do not eat pastry
Shavuot -- Dairy feast (cheesecake, blintzes etc.)
17th of Tammuz -- Fast (definitely no cheesecake or blintzes)
Tish B'Av -- Very strict fast (don't even think about cheesecake or blintzes)
Month of Elul -- End of cycle.
Enroll in Center for Eating Disorders before High Holidays arrive again
There are many forms of Judaism:
--------------------------------------------------
Cardiac Judaism -- in my heart I am a Jew.
Gastronomic Judaism -- we eat Jewish foods.
Pocketbook Judaism -- I give to Jewish causes.
Drop-off Judaism -- drop the kids off at Sunday school and go out to breakfast.
Two-Times a Year Judaism -- attend service Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur.
You know you grew up Jewish when:
---------------------------------------------------
You've had at least one female relative who drew eyebrows on her face that were always asymmetrical.
You spent your entire childhood thinking that everyone calls roast beef "brisket".
You've experienced the phenomena of 50 people fitting into a 10 foot wide dining room hitting each other with plastic plates trying to get to a deli tray.
You were as tall as your grandmother by the age of seven.
You were surprised to find out that wine doesn't always taste like year-old cranberry sauce.
You can look at gefilte fish and not turn green.
You can understand Yiddish but you can't speak it.
You know how to pronounce numerous Yiddish words and use them correctly in context, yet you don't exactly know what they mean. Kenahura
You have at least one ancestor who is related to your spouse's ancestor.
You grew up thinking it's normal for someone to shout "Are you okay? Are you okay?" through the bathroom door if you're in there for longer than 3 minutes.
You thought that speaking loud was normal.
The End
Izzy was dying. His wife was with him, standing next to his bed. As he was drawing his last few breaths, he gasped, "Sadie, I have one last request." "Of course, Izzy, what is it?" Sadie asked softly. "Six months after I die," he said, "I want you to marry Louis." "But I thought you hated Louis," Sadie said. With his final breath, Izzy said, "I do."
The Babysitter
The phone rings and a JEWISH MOTHER picks up the phone and answers:
Jewish Mother
Hello?
Daughter
Hi Mom. Can I leave the kids with you tonight?
Jewish Mother
You're going out?
Daughter
Yes.
Jewish Mother
With whom?
Daughter
With a friend.
Jewish Mother
I don't know why you left your husband. He is such a good man.
Daughter
I didn't leave him. He left me!
Jewish Mother
You let him leave you, and now you go out with anybodies and nobodies.
Daughter
I do not go out with anybody. Can I bring over the kids?
Jewish Mother
I never left you to go out with anybody except your father.
Daughter
There are lots of things that you did and I don't.
Jewish Mother
What are you hinting at?
Daughter
Nothing. I just want to know if I can bring the kids over tonight.
Jewish Mother
You're going to stay the night with him? What will your husband say if he
finds out?
Daughter
My EX husband. I don't think he would be bothered. From the day he left
me, he probably never slept alone!
Jewish Mother
So you're going to sleep over at this loser's place?
Daughter
He's not a loser.
Jewish Mother
A man who goes out with a divorced woman with children is a loser and a
parasite.
Daughter
I don't want to argue. Should I bring over the kids or not?
Jewish Mother
Poor children with such a mother.
Daughter
Such a what?
Jewish Mother
With no stability. No wonder your husband left you.
Daughter
ENOUGH !!!
Jewish Mother
Don't scream at me. You probably scream at this loser too!
Daughter
Now you're worried about the loser?
Jewish Mother
Ah, so you see he's a loser. I spotted him immediately.
Daughter
Goodbye, mother.
Jewish Mother
Wait! Don't hang up! When are you bringing them over?
Daughter
I'm not bringing them over! I'm not going out!
Jewish Mother
If you never go out, how do you expect to meet anyone?
Shorties:
Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was a salted.
A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you,
but don't start anything."
A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry we don't
serve food in here."
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says,
"A beer please...and one for the road."
Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love, and get married. The
ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was brilliant.
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other, "Does this
taste funny to you?"
"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home."
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"It's not unusual."
Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to
Dolly: "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," said Dolly.
"It's true, no bull!" exclaimed Daisy.
An in visible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing
to look at either.
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my
electron."
The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."
Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this BS before.
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed.
Is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him." So, he picks the dog
up, examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm
going to have to put him down."
"What?! Just because he's cross-eyed?!?"
"No, because he's really, really heavy!!"
A woman went to the butchers the other day and bet him 5 bucks that he
couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are
too high."
A guy went to a seafood disco rave last week and pulled a mussel.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. But when they lit a fire
in the craft, it sank....proving once and for all that you can't have
your kayak and heat it too.
What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
Two termites walk into a bar. One asked, "Is the bar tender here?
A couple of ropes walk into a bar. The bartender says, "We don't
serve ropes here. Please leave." After they walk out, the female rope
ties herself into a pretty bow and frizzes up her ends. Then she walks
back in. The bartender says "Didn't I tell you we don't serve ropes?"
To which she replies "I'm a frayed knot."
A blonde enters a store that sells curtains. She tells the salesman, "I would like to buy a pair of pink curtains."
The salesman assures her that they have a large selection of pink curtains. He shows her several patterns, but the blonde seems to be having a hard time choosing. Finally she selects a lovely pink floral print. The salesman then asks what size curtains she needs.
The blonde promptly replies, "Fifteen inches."
"Fifteen inches???" asked the salesman. "That sounds very small - what room are they for?"
The blonde tells him that they aren't for a room; they are for her computer monitor.
The surprised salesman replies, "But Miss, computers do not need curtains!"
The blond says, "Hellllooooooooo. I've got Windoooooows!"
Coming for Passover
An elderly man in Miami called his son in New York and said, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing. Forty-five years of misery is enough."
"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screamed.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man said. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hung up.
Frantic, the son called his sister, who exploded on the phone, "They are not getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this."
She called her father immediately and screamed at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing; DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hung up.
The old man hung up his phone, smiled, and turned to his wife... "Okay," he said, "They're coming for Passover and paying their own airfares."
One-Liners
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
Money can't buy happiness. But it sure makes misery easier to live with.
Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.
Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can't find them.
Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.
The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as warning to others.
Ray's Law: You can't fall off the floor.
Paranoids are people too; they have their own problems. It's easy to criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid too.
Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked into jet engines.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
Change is inevitable....except from vending machines.
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.
The Center for Disease Control has issued a warning about a new
virulent
strain of Sexually Transmitted Disease. The disease is contracted
through
dangerous and high-risk behavior. The disease is called Gonorrhea
Lectim
pronounced "gonna re-elect him." Many victims contracted it in 2004,
after
having been screwed for the past four years. Cognitive characteristics
of
individuals infected include: anti- social personality disorders,
delusions of grandeur with messianic overtones, extreme cognitive
dissonance, inability to incorporate new information, pronounced
xenophobia
and paranoia, inability to accept responsibility for own actions,
cowardice
masked by misplaced bravado, uncontrolled facial smirking, ignorance
of
geography and history, tendencies towards evangelical theocracy,
categorical
all-or-nothing behavior. Naturalists and epidemiologists are amazed at
how
this destructive disease originated only a few years ago from a bush
found
in Texas.
Observations on Life
Have you ever noticed, anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is.
I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain. - Carol Leifer
The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day you're off it. - Jackie Gleason
I went into a restaraunt yesterday and said, "I'd like some fries." The kid at the counter said, "Would you like some fries with that?" - Jay Leno
The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be caught dead in otherwise. - Roger Simon
I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets. - Dave Edison
If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight. - George Gobel
Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate the shirt to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for seventy-five cents. - Billiam Coronel
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants. - A. Whitney Brown
If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base. - Dave Barry
Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself. - Mark Twain
Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait. - A. Whitney Brown
My mom said she learned how to swim. Someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. That's how she learned how to swim. I said, "Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim." - Paula Poundstone
I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be, but I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners. - Jeff Stilson
Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives. - Sue Murphy
I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up something else. - Lily Tomlin
Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: "This looks much better on." On what? On fire? - Rita Rudner
Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end. - Jerry Seinfeld
I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, "Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go West."- --Richard Jeni
Some are dupes:
Great quotes by comedians
"If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the
video camera and come help me."
--Bobcat Goldthwait
"I've been doing the Fonda workout: the Peter Fonda workout. That's
where I wake up, take a hit of acid, smoke a joint, and run to my
sister's house and ask her for money."
--Kevin Meaney
"My mom said she learned how to swim. Someone took her out in the lake
and threw her off the boat. That's how she learned how to swim. I said,
'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.' "
--Paula Poundstone
"In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a
single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall
people burn slower?"
--Warren Hutcherson
"I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every
other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the
locks, they are always locking three."
--Elayne Boosler
"Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?"
--John Mendoza
"Today I met with a subliminal advertising executive for just a second."
--Steven Wright
"Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we should treat
it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they
should give you two weeks' notice. There should beseverance pay, and
before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp."
--Bob Ettinger
"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills
than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh."
--Conan O'Brien
"I haven't taken my Christmas lights down. They look so nice on the
pumpkin."
--Winston Spear
"Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's
how dogs spend their lives."
--Sue Murphy
"My grandfather's a little forgetful, but he likes to give me advice. One
day, he took me aside and left me there."
--Ron Richards
"I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up
something else."
--Lily Tomlin
"USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four
people make up 75 percent of the population."
--David Letterman
"Chihuahua. There's a waste of dog food. Looks like a dog that is still
far away."
--Billiam Coronell
"I was a vegetarian until I started leaning towards sunlight."
--Rita Rudner
"I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific."
--Lily Tomlin
"The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war.
Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little
Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there.
Corkscrews. Bottle openers. 'Come on, buddy, let's go. You get past me,
the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off. I've got the toe
clippers right here.'"
--Jerry Seinfeld
"I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed
it."
--Steven Wright
"I don't kill flies but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them
above globes. They freak out and yell, 'Whoa, I'm way too high!' "
--Bruce Baum
"I met a new girl at a barbecue, very pretty, a blond I think. I don't
know, her hair was on fire, and all she talked about was herself. You
know these kind of girls: 'I'm hot. I'm on fire. Me, me, me.' You know.
'Help me, put me out.' Come on, could we talk about me just a little
bit?"
--Garry Shandling
"I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York
said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't
cold enough. Let's go west.'"
--Richard Jeni
"Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."
--Paul Rodriguez
"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my
fishburger and I realize, Oh my God....I could be eating a slow learner."
--Lynda Montgomery
Bartering
In Morocco, a Jew and an Arab shared a farm. Times got hard and they decided they had to slit up. But how to divide the assets was a problem: All they had left was a goat, a cow, and a hen.
"I know," said the Arab, "You take the hen, and I'll take the goat and the cow."
The Jew refused.
"OK then, you take the goat and I'll take the cow and the hen."
Still his Jewish partner refused.
"OK," suggested the Arab, "let's eat the cow now, then I'll have the goat and you have the hen."
Still the Jew refused.
"I'll tell you what," said the Jew, "you can have the goat if you like, and the cow and I will take the hen."
Save men jokes for editing
WINTER CLASSES FOR MEN AT
THE LEARNING CENTER FOR ADULTS
REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED BY Monday, Jan. 16 , 2006
NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.
Class 1
How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays --- Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM .
Class 2
The Toilet Paper Roll --- Does It Change Itself?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.
Class 3
Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and
Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub? --- Group Practice.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.
Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor ---
Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.
Class 5
After Dinner Dishes --- Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
at 7:00 PM
Class 6
Loss Of Identity --- Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other.
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM
Class 7
Learning How To Find Things --- Starting With Looking In The Right Places
And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming.
Open Forum .
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.
Class 8
Health Watch --- Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health.
Graphics and Audio Tapes.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.
Class 9
Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost --- Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.
Class 10
Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks?
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.
Class 11
Learning to Live --- Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife.
Online Classes and role-playing .
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined
Class 12
How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion
Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.
Class 13
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy --- Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late.
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.
Class 14
The Stove/Oven --- What It Is and How It Is Used.
Live Demonstration.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.
Upon completion of any of the above courses,
diplomas will be issued to the survivors.
Send this to all the guys that you think can stand the heat, and to all the ladies for
the best chuckle of their day
Bits of Wisdom
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Love is grand !
Divorce is a hundred grand.
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I am in shape.
Round is a shape.
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Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
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Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels good.
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Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.
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Even if you are on the right track,
You'll get run over if you just sit there.
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Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.
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An optimist thinks this is the best possible world.
A pessimist fears this is true.
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There will always be death and taxes;
However, death doesn't get worse every year.
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In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.
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I am a nutritional overachiever. NOT.... lol
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I plan on living forever. So far, so good.
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Practice safe eating -- always use condiments.
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A day without sunshine is like night.
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It's frustrating when you know all the answers,
But nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
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The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
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Brain cells come and brain cells go,
But fat cells live forever.
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Age doesn't always bring wisdom.
Sometimes it comes alone.
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Life not only begins at forty,
It also begins to show.
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WINTER CLASSES FOR MEN AT
THE LEARNING CENTER FOR ADULTS
REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED BY Monday, Jan. 16 , 2006
NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.
Class 1
How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays --- Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM .
Class 2
The Toilet Paper Roll --- Does It Change Itself?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.
Class 3
Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and
Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub? --- Group Practice.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.
Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor ---
Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.
Class 5
After Dinner Dishes --- Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
at 7:00 PM
Class 6
Loss Of Identity --- Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other.
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM
Class 7
Learning How To Find Things --- Starting With Looking In The Right Places
And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming.
Open Forum .
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.
Class 8
Health Watch --- Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health.
Graphics and Audio Tapes.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.
Class 9
Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost --- Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.
Class 10
Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks?
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.
Class 11
Learning to Live --- Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife.
Online Classes and role-playing .
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined
Class 12
How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion
Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.
Class 13
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy --- Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late.
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.
Class 14
The Stove/Oven --- What It Is and How It Is Used.
Live Demonstration.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.
Upon completion of any of the above courses,
diplomas will be issued to the survivors.
Send this to all the guys that you think can stand the heat, and to all the ladies for
the best chuckle of their day
DICTIONARY FOR DECODING WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS:
40-ish................................49.
Adventurous...................Slept with everyone.
Athletic...............................No breasts.
Average looking....................Moooo.
Beautiful...........................Pathological liar.
Emotionally Secure................On medication.
Feminist................................Fat.
Free spirit............................Junkie.
Friendship first......................Former slut.
New-Age.............Body hair in the wrong places.
Old-fashioned.......................No BJs.
Open-minded.......................Desperate.
Outgoing.......................Loud and Embarrassing.
Professional..........................Bitch.
Voluptuous..........................Very Fat.
Large frame.........................Hugely Fat.
Wants Soul mate..................Stalker.
WOMEN'S ENGLISH:
1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry = You'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = You're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = You better not
8. Do what you want = You will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = Of course, I am upset, you moron!
10. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think
about?
MEN'S ENGLISH:
1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = Let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you.
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you.
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you.
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you.
11. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay
Dirty Jokes:
A son was placing his father into a nursing home. "Please don't put me in there son!" cried the old man. The son said, "Pop, I can't take care of you & work too. I've checked the place out & it is the best one there is. I think you'll love it." The next day the father called his son & said, "Son, you were right! I LOVE this place it is so great here. Thank you so much for making the decision!" "That's swell dad," said the son. "What makes it so great?" "Well" replied the dad, "Last night I was in my room & from out of nowhere, I got an erection. A nurse came in, saw me & gave me a blowjob! I haven't had one of those in 30 or 40 years! I'd almost forgotten what it was like! It was fantastic!" "That's great dad," said the son. A few days later the father called his son again & said "You have to get me out of here! I hate this place! I can't live here any more!" "What's wrong pop?" asked the son. "Last night I fell down in the hallway. I was getting up & when I was on my hands & knees, a male nurse came along & sodomized me! I CAN NOT and WILL NOT live like this!" The son said, "Dad, I know that's terrible and we'll get it straightened out, but until then, you have to understand, we have to take the good with the bad. Just hang in there". "No son" said the dad. "You don't understand! I get an erection maybe once a year! I fall down two or three times a day!!!!!"
A cowboy was taken prisoner by a bunch of Indians. The Indians were all prepared to kill him when the chief announced that due to the celebration of the Great Spirit, they would grant the cowboy three wishes before he would die. "What do you want for your first wish?" asks the chief.
"I wanna talk to mah horse!" says the cowboy. He goes over to his horse and whispers in its ear. The horse neighs, rears back, and takes off at full speed. About an hour later, the horse comes back with a naked lady on its back. Well, the Indians are very impressed, so they let the cowboy use one of their teepees. A little while later, the cowboy stumbles out of the teepee, tucking in his shirt. "What do you want for your second wish?" says the chief.
"I wanna talk to mah horse!" says the cowboy. Again, the cowboy whispers in the horses ear. The horse neighs, rears back, and takes off at full speed. About an hour later, the horse comes back with another naked lady on its back. Well, the Indians are very impressed indeed. So, once again, they let the cowboy use one of their teepees. The cowboy stumbles out a little while later, and the chief asks the cowboy "What do you want for your last wish?"
"I wanna talk to mah horse!" says the cowboy. He grabs the horse by the ears and yells,
"You stupid animal, I said POSSE, POSSE!!!!"
Joe rents an apartment in New York, and goes to the lobby to put his name on the group mailbox. While he was there, an attractive young lady comes out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe.
Joe smiles at the young girl and she strikes up a conversation with him. As they talk, her robe slips open, and it's quite obvious that she has nothing under the robe.
Poor Joe breaks out into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she places her hand on his arm and says, "Let's go in my apartment, I hear someone coming..."
He proceeds with her into the apartment, and after she closes the door, she leans against it allowing her robe to fall off completely.
Being completely nude, she purrs at him, "What would you say is my best feature?" The flustered, embarrassed Joe stammers, clears his throat several times, and finally squeaks out, "Oh, it's got to be your ears!"
She's astounded! "Why my ears? Look at these breasts! They're full, don't sag, and they're 100% natural! My buns - they're firm and don't sag, and have no cellulite! Look at this skin, no blemishes or scars! Why in heaven's name would you say my ears are the best part of my body?!"
Clearing his throat once again, Joe stammers - "Outside when you said you heard someone coming? That was me."
Joe is shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally finds one for a great price, but it's missing a seal, so whenever it rains he has to smear vaseline over the spot where the seal should be or else it won't start.
Anyway, his girlfriend is having him over for dinner to meet her parents. He drives his new bike to her house, where she is outside waiting for him. "No matter what happens at dinner tonight, don't say a word." She tells him, "Our family had a fight a while ago about doing dishes. We haven't done any since, but the first person to speak at dinner has to do them."
Joe sits down for dinner and it is just how she described it. Dishes are piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen, and nobody is saying a word. So Joe decides to have a little fun. He grabs his girlfriend throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.
A few minutes later he grabs her mom, throws her on the table and does a repeat performance. Now his girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, and her mother is a little happier. But still there is complete silence at the table.
All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Joe remembers his motorcycle. He jumps up and grabs his jar of vaseline. Upon witnessing this, his girlfriend's father backs away from the table and screams,
"OKAY, ENOUGH ALREADY, I'LL DO THE FUCKING DISHES!!"
There are these two friends, a white guy and a black guy. One evening, they`re in a bar arguing over which of them can have sex the most times in one night. They decide to settle the issue by going to the local whorehouse and gathering experimental evidence, as it were.
So they get to the whorehouse, pair off with a couple of the ladies, and go to their respective rooms. The white guy energetically balls his whore and, reaching up with a pencil, makes a "| " mark on the wall. Then he falls asleep.
He wakes up in a couple of hours and screws the whore again, albeit a little less enthusiastically this time. Again, he reaches back and marks a " | " on the wall. Again, he falls asleep.
He wakes up again in a couple of hours and lethargically humps the hooker again. He drowsily marks another " | " on the wall and falls asleep for the rest of the night.
The next morning, the black guy barges into the white guy`s room to see how he did. He takes one look at the wall and exclaims, "A hundred and eleven?! You beat me by three!"
A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the restroom. A few minutes later, a loud, bloodcurdling scream is heard. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar. The bartender goes to investigate why the drunk is screaming. "What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring my customers! "I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes my nuts." With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says, "You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!"
This guy just started at his new job, working at a porno shop. His boss comes out and tell him that he has to leave for a while, and asks if he can handle it. The new employee is somewhat reluctant, but with the boss's positive comments he finally agrees. A few minutes later a white woman walks in and asks, "How much for the white dildo?" He answers, "$35." She: "How much for the black one?" He: "$35 for the black one, they are the same price." She: "I think I'll take the black one. I've never had a black one before." She pays him, and off she goes.
A little bit later a black woman comes in and asks "How much for the blackdildo?" He: "$35." She: "How much for the white one?" He: "$35 for the white one also, they are the same price." She: "Hmmm...I think I'll take the white one. I've never had a white one before..." She pays him, and off she goes.
About an hour later a young blonde woman comes in and asks, "How much are your dildos?" He: "$35 for the white, $35 for the black." She: "Hmmmmm....how much is that plaid one on the shelf?" He: "Well, that's a very special dildo...it'll cost you $150." She thinks for a moment and answers, "I'll take the plaid one, I've never had a plaid one before...." She pays him, and off she goes.
Finally, the guy's boss returns and asks, "How did you do while I wasgone?" The salesman responded, "I think I did pretty good, I sold one white dildo, one black dildo, and I sold your thermos for $150!"
A cowboy is riding on the plains. He comes across an Indian buck naked lying on his back with a hugh errection.
Digusted he asked "What in the hell are you doing?"
The Indians looked at the shadow of his dick and said "It's 1:0pm."
The cowboy rode on. Soon he ran into another Indian. He was lying on his back naked with a hugh errection. The cowboy again asked "What in the hell are you doing"?
The Indian looked at the shadow and said "It's now 2:30 pm".
The cowboy rode on. Later he came upon third Indian. He was lying on his back buck naked wacking himself off.
The cowboy asked "Jesus Christ! What are you doing?"
The indian replied "I'm winding my watch."
On a Trans-Atlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it.
Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die!" she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable! I've had plenty of sex in my life, but no one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well I've had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN??"
For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril,and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.
Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel like a woman," he says. He was gourgeous. Tall, built, with long, flowing black hair and jet black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle,unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. No one moves. The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the strange man approaches. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman,and whispers: "Iron
A man was in a doctors office and the doctor walked in and said, ok what do you need today sir. The man pulled down his pants and showed the doctor his beat up, bruised, and bleading penis. The doctor said, damn how did you do that? The man said well I live in a trailor, and every night I have noticed that the woman in the trailor next to mine at exactally 9:00pm, she moves her rug where there is a hole in the floor, she sticks a hot dog in the hole and masterbates with it. So one day I got an idea at 8:45pm I would go under her trailor and when she put the hot dog in the hole I would pull it out and stick my penis in the hole. So that night I did, and it was going great untill someone knocked on the door and she tried to kick it under the oven!
An old lady in a nursing home is wheeling up and down the halls in her wheelchair making sounds like she's driving a car. As she's going down the hall an old man jumps out of a room and says, "Excuse me ma'am but you were speeding." "Can I see your driver's license?"
She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a candy wrapper, and hands it to him. He looks it over, gives her a warning and sends her on her way.
Up and down the halls she goes again. Again, the same old man jumps out of a room and says, "Excuse me ma'am but I saw you cross over the center line back there." "Can I see your registration please?"
She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a store receipt and hands it to him. He looks it over, gives her another warning and sends her on her way.
She zooms off again up and down the halls weaving all over. As she comes to the old man's room again he jumps out. He's stark naked and has an erection!
The old lady in the wheel chair looks up and says, "Oh no-not the Breathalyzer again!"
Word started getting out about Snow White's mirror and people really started getting the idea of wanting to inquire of the mirror themselves. Sleeping Beauty wanted to know if she really was the most beautiful of all.
Tom Thumb wanted to make sure he really was the smallest person.
Quasimodo wanted to know that he was the ugliest. So they each went before the mirror.
As Sleeping Beauty was leaving she said "Oh, I really *am* the most beautiful of all!"
As Tom Thumb left he was quite pleased to know that he is indeed the smallest of all.
As Quasimodo left, he exclaimed "Who the heck is Janet Reno?"
A young girl walks in on her parents having sex. She asks, "Mum, what are you doing to Dad?"
Mum replies, "I was just letting the air out of him - he's too fat."
The little girl replies, "Why, the lady next door is just going to blow him up again."
A woman orders a chicken sandwhich and starts to choke. People are running frantically, trying to figure out what to do. Two homosexuals sitting in the corner wisper to each other and run in front of the choking lady. One strips out of his overalls, bends over butt naked in front of his friend. His friend proceeds to lick the other's ass.
Upon seeing this, the lady vomits forcing the lodged food from her throat. After making sure the lady is OK, the two homosexuals return to their food.
One turns to the other and says, "Wow, that hind-lick manuever really works!"
one day a hippy gets on a bus full of nuns. he looks around and see's one that is looking particularily good. after he popped a stiffy he went up to the nun and said I want to fu** you.
No replied the nun I am a woman of the lord i will never sleep with you
The hippy was really depressed, but on his way off the bus the bus driver told him that the nun goes to the church to pray everynight at midnight. all he had to do was get a god mask and tell her to screw him.
at exactly midnight the hippy spotted the nun go into the church, he put on his mask and said I am god fu** me.
the nun then replied only in the ass though. the hippy agreed and they got it on for hours.
when they were done the hippy took off his mask and shouted "ha, ha" I'm the hippy the nun then took off her mask and said "ha ha" I'm the bus driver.
There's two farmers on a farm, and they just got a new animal. One farmers
outside, and one is inside. The one outside comes in with a big cup of white
liquid. He takes a big drink of it and excitedly says, I just milked the
new cow. Then other farmer, with a troubled look on his face says, we didn't
get a new cow, we got a new bull!
1. First and foremost, we are not obligated to do it.
2. Extension to rule #1 - So if you get one, be grateful.
3. I don't care WHAT they did in the porn video you saw, it is not standard practice to come on someone's face.
4. Extension to rule #3 - No, I DON'T have to swallow.
5. My ears are NOT handles.
6. Extension to rule #5 - do not push on the top of my head. Last I heard, deep throat had been done. And additionally, do you really WANT puke on your dick?
7. I don't care HOW relaxed you get, it is NEVER OK to fart.
8. Having my period does not mean that it's "hummer week" - get it through your head - I'm bloated and I feel like shit so no, I don't feel particularly obligated to blow you just because YOU can't have sex right now.
9. Extension to #8 - "Blue Balls" might have worked on high school girls -if you're that desperate, go jerk off and leave me alone with my Midol.
10. If I have to pause to remove a pubic hair from my teeth, don't tell me I've just "wrecked it" for you.
11. Leaving me in bed while you go play video games, smoke a cigarette,watch tv...ect.... immediately afterwards is highly inadvisable if you would like my behavior to be repeated in the future.
12. If you like how we do it, it's probably best not to speculate about the origins of our talent. Just enjoy the moment and be happy that we're good at it. See also rule #2 about gratitude.
13. No, it doesn't particularly taste good. And I don't care about the protein content.
14. No, I will NOT do it while you watch TV, smoke a cigarette, drink, ect....
15. When you hear your friends complain about how they don't get blow jobs often enough, keep your mouth shut. It is inappropriate to either sympathize or brag.
16. Just because "it's awake" when you get up does not mean I have to "kiss it good morning."
A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.
The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him earnestly.
"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be alright. I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together in his groin.
But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside. She began to massage him. She then asked him "How does that feel?"
He replied "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."
How can you tell when your girlfriend's horny?
You stick your hands in her panties and it feels like you feeding a horse.
A man and his wife decide to play golf but neither is very good so they sign up for lessons.
The man goes to his lesson first. The instructor says, "Show me your swing so I can evaluate you." The man swings and the instructor says, "That was good but you're holding the club too tight. Try holding it gently like you would hold your wife's breasts." The man does so and he hits the ball 250 yards!
Later, the wife goes for her lesson. Again the instructor tells her to show him her swing so that he can evaluate her. She does and he says, "You're also holding the club too tight. Hold like you would hold your husband's dick." She does so and takes her swing. Then the golf instructor says, "Try it again but this time take the club out of your mouth."
Jewbilation (n..) Pride in finding out that one's favorite celebrity is Jewish or that your offspring is marrying a Jewish person. Torahfied (n.) Inability to remember one's lines when called to read from the Torah at one's Bar or Bat Mitzvah. (OR from the Hagadah at Passover) Matzilation (v.) Smashing a piece of matzo to bits while trying to butter it. Bubbegum (n.) Candy one's mother gives to her grandchildren that she never gave to her own children. Chutzpapa (n.) A father who wakes his wife at 4:00 a.m. so she can change the baby's diaper. Deja Nu ( n.) Having the feeling you've seen the same exasperated look on your mother's face, but not knowing exactly when. Disoriyenta (n.) When Aunt Linda gets lost in a department store and strikes up a conversation with everyone she passes. Hebort (v.) To forget all the Hebrew one ever learned immediately after one's Bar or Bat Mitzvah. Jewdo (n.) A traditional form of self-defense based on talking one's way out of a tight spot. Mamatzah Balls (n.) Matzo balls that are as good as your mother used to make.. Meinstein - slang. "My son, the genius!" Mishpochadots (n.) The assorted lipstick and make-up stains found on one's face and collar after kissing all one's aunts and cousins at a reception. Re-shtetlement (n.) Moving from Brooklyn to Miami and finding all your old neighbors live in the same condo building as you. Rosh Hashana-na-na ( n.) A rock 'n roll band from Jewish Brooklyn . Yidentify (v.) To be able to determine Jewish origins of celebrities, even though their names might be St. John , Curtis, Davis or Taylor. Minyastics (n.) Going to incredible lengths and troubles to find a tenth person to complete a Minyan. Feelawful (n.) Indigestion from eating Israeli street food, especially falafel. Dis-kvellified (v.) To drop out of law school, med. school or business school as seen through the eyes of parents, grandparents and Uncle Sid. In extreme cases, simply choosing to major in art history when Irv's son David is majoring in biology is sufficient grounds for diskvellification. Impasta ( n.) A Jew who starts eating leavened foods before the end of Passover. Kinders Shlep (v.) To transport other kids besides yours in your car. Schmuckluck (n.) Finding out one's wife became pregnant after one had a vasectomy. Shofarsogut (n.) The relief you feel when, after many attempts, the shofar is finally blown at the end of Yom Kippur. Trayffic Accident (n.) An appetizer one finds out has pork in it.
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